I feel like I’m getting a routine down. I feel like I’m getting my life back. I feel like I’m on the right path. I feel like I’m to F*** it all up like I always do……..
I going to the gym, eating relatively healthy, taking my meds so my mood has some stability and my immune system is that of a healthy persons. I know from past experience that when things are going well, I just don’t seem to stick with it. I always seem to get “bored” or look on the other side of the fence to the “greener” side. The thought that I’m going to F*** it all up isn’t always at the front of my mind, but its there. In the back of my mind whispering “the more progress you make, only makes that fall hurt more.” I guess I have never really tried to focus on my own well being with any sort of real effort. Maybe my past experiences where I tried and failed should remain in the past and not be projected to the future. Maybe in place of expecting that I’ll F*** everything up again, I should expect that I wont be perfect but I will remain steadfast toward progression. There are so many things that I want right now that take time to build like routines, friendships, confidence, self worth, and so many others. I get so frustrated that I just cant snap my fingers and done….got-em, yeah, cha-ching. I guess that’s the addict in me so I’ll squash that by being grateful that I’m on the right path for me at this moment in my life, because a grateful addict never uses. Happy that today I have not the need nor want to use.