I have locked myself up in my bedroom. I’m not feeling like I want to face the world today. Mum is in the lounge room and I’m in here. That kind of says something about our relationship. I’m downloading 3 songs from Itunes that I have been trying to get for a long time. I finally realized why it wasn’t working, I had my old visa card, which is now expired attached to it. I only have 10 dollars in my card, but the way I see it, if I purchase a few songs, then I’m not going to have the money to buy any alcohol, and that’s a good thing. The downloading of these songs has slowed down my computer a lot, which is very annoying. I guess that’s the debt I pay for being on dialup.
I didn’t get to bed until early hours this morning. I think it was around 330am. I was very tired but couldn’t sleep. I think it was just because I was thinking too much. After the conversation I had with Beth, it got me thinking a lot. I guess the big thing is Do I want to get better?. I don’t have and answer to it yet. It’s strange, yet true. Is there meant to be a defining moment? An event that just makes you decide, Now it the time? There must be a secret out there. I just don’t understand it. I know someone looking in at this, would think that Do I want to get better has a simple answer, but it doesn’t. Well not for me anyway. This, me now, is how I have lived for many, many years, so if I’m different, am I still me? will I be someone different? Will it be for better or for worse? Will people like me in a Non Depressed state? These are things I will never know unless I get better. I honestly do not know what to do.
I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 3pm. I don’t know how it’s going to go, I guess It’s another wait and see type thing. Mum isn’t working tomorrow, so I’m afraid that she will offer to take me into town, but I can’t let her. She can’t know that I’m seeing a therapist. I don’t want her to know. It’s my life, not hers. She has caused enough trouble in my life I don’t want her involved. The therapist said that maybe we could get mum in for a session with me.. Ummm.. NO FUCKING WAY. I don’t want her coming near the therapist. As it is she has talked to my probation officer, and that freaks me out. I know Matt said that what is said between me and him is just that, between me and him, but I still worry about it. I have a lot of trust issues with other people. I have a lot of trouble opening up to others, and if either Matt or my therapist were to say anything to anyone, I would be soo mad. It’s no one else’s business.
When I’m blogging It’s different. When I’m here, I can write what I want, not say some things, and say others. Well really talking is the same, but It’s still different. Ok so I’m really not making sense here so I’ll stop.