Boyfriend broke up with me.

Well, technically, I successfully convinced him to wait until he gets back from his army drills to make a complete decision. So for the next week, we’re “on a break”. When he gets back, we’re going to discuss the situation and then we can hopefully come to some sort of agreement whether or not we should be together. Which means—I’m probably going to cry, beg him to stay with me, tell him that I need him here with me, which will all repulse him so much that he’s DEFINITELY going to end things.

I think that I need to take this time to say that I have never worked so hard to save a relationship. Ever. First of all, this is the first time that I’ve been broken up with; I’ve always been the one to end things in the past. Secondly, every time things end with a guy, I move on just as quickly. I can’t remember a time that I’ve even cried over a break up. The next day, I am back in my normal swing of things only, you know…single.

But last night when I read the words, “it would be better if we were just friends” I started crying and couldn’t stop. I texted him a million times begging, pleading him to change his mind. He claimed he was sorry, but that was how it was going to be. I finally asked him to wait until he got home so we could talk about this in person. I told him that I was willing to do anything to make this relationship work, and I hated that I waited until it was almost too late to try so hard. So he agreed to talk when we got home, but insisted that “it’s probably already too late”.

I blame it all on this depression. This whole situation is caused, made worse, and probably won’t get better because of this stupid depression. He wanted to end things because he didn’t know how to handle me when I got depressed. He didn’t know what to say or what to do. I tried a couple of times to explain good ways to cheer me up, or make me feel better, and he listened—he just never seemed to be able to follow through with them. When I would break down crying, he would get stiff and awkward. He felt like he couldn’t be the one to be there for me.

What makes things worse is that, because of the depression, I can’t be alone right now. I need him right now. Even if he just sits there and doesn’t say anything. I need somebody here. So this begs the question—considering how I used to be with breakups (nonchalant, apathetic), do I not want Boyfriend to break up with me because I’m depressed and know I can’t be alone, or because I truly love him? I mean, I want to say it’s because I truly love him, obviously. But could the depression be clouding my thinking? I’m thinking that I really love him. Because, quite frankly, I would rather still be with him in all of his ignorance about the depressed population than not be with him at all.

Even though I’m almost 100% sure it’s my birth control pills that are causing this and that by not taking them anymore I’ll probably get better, I think I’m going to see about going to an actual therapist or counselor. Maybe, if he sees that I’m trying to get better on my own without his help, he’ll be more inclined to stay with me?


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