i was supposed to see that doctor that is treating me like shit today , in fact the apppoitment is for now! but i didnt go, why bother, he is making me completley stressed out, down trodding me and doesnt seem to understand my problems, want to , or care so from reccomondations of local people i got the name of another doctor that seems to be really well respected and liked. i called up and the even the secterary seeemed lovely, i have my appointment for monday and in the mean time iv been re searching on the net and asking people about different things they think would help me… zispin seems to be coming up constantley, its an anti depressant and sleeping tablet type thing. non addictive and most importantley its NOT  a part of the Benzo family! i dont want to be on valium, they dont even work for me anymore, i feel nothing when i take them, nothingness more like. They dont effect me in anyway,good or bad… which i guess is bad cos that means there not working for me, anyway i dont want to be on benzo's , there so addictive and i dont need another addiction to deal with!! I am stil finding it slightly hard to cope , do feel depressed and im not sleepiing well at all…

work seems to be literally knocking the shit out of me, filling me with dread when i know i have a shift and i dont understand this cos i actually like my job, or at least i thought i did. 99% of the people there are lovely and thats few and far between in most jobs so i dont know whats going on there! I only started at 9 last night and was home for 4 so it wasnt in all a long shift cos normally id be in between 5-7pm untill 4am. Its so weird, i feel shit when im there and i just have this urge to walk out, ,maybe thats just a case of 'old habits die hard' or something cos i never stayed in one job for a long time, apart from one i was in for almost 2 years but i fucked that up in the end anyway. I dont know what to do and the fact that i was working monday, last night and tonight, tomorrorw AND SUNDAY AND MONDAY AGAIN is killing me? i dont want to leave and i dont want to walk out , im in there thinking to myself 'how can i get out of here' . I know having a job is good  for me, and i dont want to leave , maybe its just part of me being a bit depressed?

I sat down yesterday and wrote the letter to my da, i thought i  would end up going on about paticular incidents etc but i didnt, i pretty much wrote 3 A4 pages saying that i was gong to be completley honest with him, said a little about the heroin addiction , the methadone, the counselling etc, which as far as i know he has no clue about. I just said that at the end of the day im his only daughter  and he is my only father and iv been hurt and scared my whole life etc and i would like to try and have a functional relationship with him, but i wont continue to go on the way things are so in the event he doesnt want to try work things out we should just end contact and the decision was his. I havent sent it, but im bringing it into my counsellor and we will talk more about it then i suppose.

The rest of the weekend at the moment just brings work and dread for me, i hope something lifts me up in the mean time cos i dont want to do something il regret, Like walk out cos i no theres no need for that , plus i need the jjob,  i have bills to pay and its good for me to be out of the house, playing a role in normal society-i know that but i dont know what to do…………………………………………