OK, so I usually don\\'t blog too much- mostly in response to something that has crossed my path here on the site.  But, thought I\\'d start my day off with one, maybe for nothing other than monitoring myself.  I\\'ve been dealing with the OCD for a long time now, but after each child, it has come back BIGGER and "Badder!" It has been a thief of much of my life and I regret letting myself and my family go through the torture and the loss.  But, THAT is past, right?!  This is about moving forward!!  I\\'ve never been very good with that, as I\\'m not very forgiving of myself and tend to dwell on my mistakes, but that is certainly not how I want my kids to live, so again… this is about TODAY.

Long story short, I am currently taking 200 mg of zoloft.  I do not LIKE that I have to take this, yet I do feel like I "have" to take it. When I look back at my life and "where" I was, I often am horrified of my own behavior.  (Anyone ever wonder why their spouse/family didn\\'t "lock them up?")  The zoloft has not really lessened all my thoughts and worries of germs and contamination, but diminished the intensity with which I react to them, and I have to tell you, that feels REALLY good. You ever caught yourself holding your hands funny… you know, like "Oh I gotta wash before I touch anything else…" like they\\'re covered with something… only there is nothing visible?  (OK, maybe that\\'s just me…)  Well, lately, I might catch myself doing that, and then realized that I\\'m having to try to remember WHY  I need to wash them.  (BTW– I am choosing to see that as an improvement, not dwelling on it, as opposed to a short-term memory problem… LOL…) I would LOVE to NOT take the meds, but for right now, with 3 young children and all of the things that I do and am responsible for, this seems to be my best decision.  I already feel like I have SO much to make up to them.  Especially my middle child…who especially seemed to lack more of my attention when the baby came, and she is now 2.  I fear he has the OCD and his emotional reactions concern me.  However, I shouldn\\'t have said FEAR…  I know how to help him.  I HATE that he could wind up suffering like I did, but I\\'m determined to teach him to cope as well as possible.

OK, keep moving forward…Today is FRIDAY and on Friday, we have family fun night.  It is something that I schedule for us b/c I think it\\'s really important.  Sometimes it\\'s nothing other than playing a game of cards together.  Maybe tonight we can hook the video camera up to the TV and watch our hours off elk footage from vacation.  Kidding… it wasn\\'t hours…  We just returned from a trip out west and it might be nice to watch.  My husband is a practicing atty. and his schedule sometimes \\'gets away\\' from him, so I am determined to make this Friday night thing work.  I also have read/listened to some stuff by Stephen Covey… like the 8 Traits of Highly Effective Families and want to make this family "covenant" with my kids and husband, so maybe we\\'ll try that tonight, too.  Last week, I made a banner with my kids that says, Turning Over a New Leaf!  Then each of us wrote on a small felt leaf, something that we needed to work on.  Mind you, you don\\'t say "I won\\'t yell."  but "Speak with care."  My middle son didn\\'t write "No meltdowns." but the word, "CALM."  Anyway, the first leaves were in green.  I am going to make them do leaves in yellow, orange and brown yet in October so that they have worked on 5 things they could improve.  I think on the next leaf, I\\'m going to make them write, "Clean room!" LOL!  Not sure they can turn THAT leaf over. (Actually, ONE big leaf that just says, BE ORGANIZED would apply to both them AND me!) The banner hangs on the door to our basement which we all walk by MANY times a day.  Hopefully, they\\'ll "see" it and it will "register." But, tonight, we just need to do something together, so I"m thinking the covenant, the cards, and cookies!   GOT MILK?!

OK, I guess I should stop and go be productive.  Thanks for reading, anyone.  Focus on TODAY!!!!!!

Peace,                                                                                RQ

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