I am rockin out with Charlie, at the moment.  I hope to get a lot done today.  He is playing guitar, and we are both singing a Mason Jennings tune called Isabella.  I think we both do this one pretty well.  We get a little more passionate and emphatic about the lyrics than Mason does, but it seems appropriate to the subject matter.

"Isabella, Isabella…

Don’t you turn me down

I been knocking on the front door

Of my very own house

Isabella, Isabella…

Don’t treat me like I’m dead and gone

I just wanna see my baby daughter, before her childhood is gone"

I know my thinking is still a bit cloudy – my brain is still in flux, readapting to it’s new state of normalcy (not to mention processing a new med). 

Had dinner with an old friend last night.  It actually went pretty well.  She said the place wasn’t too pricey, which wasn’t exactly true (at least by my standards – my half was thirty, and that did not include the tip.  And, I always tip well.), but that wasn’t such a big deal – money is not the constant source of crisis that it once was.  We’re a little behind, right now, because a lot of sh*t has come up lately, but since we aren’t dumping our money into smack, anymore, I know we’ll catch up.

I might go ahead and sign up for some classes at the Discovery Center this pay period, if we can afford it.  I am thinking about painting and co-ed boxing for this session, and maybe taking some of the single session "experiece" outings when I get the chance.  There are some really cool one day experiences in their catalog.  There’s a one-day, quickie course on flying where you get to student fly a plane (with a pilot on redundant controls, giving you advice as you go), just for the experience – sounds like a blast to me.  There’s also kayaking, rafting, and stained glass making – not cheap but all seem like bad ass ways to spend a day.  I wish they had a sculpture class.  I miss sculpting plaster.  I was good at that.  I was also decent with clay – I made abstract sculptures of people in different poses and postures that implied different emotions.  I still have two of them (one is actually Charlie’s – I made it for him, when we were struggling a great deal, back before we got married – it’s a man and a woman holding hands, sitting down, facing each other, and their hands and outstretched legs sort of blur together.  The meaning is obvious.  I really dig it.)

"Isabella, Isabella…

Let me in the door

Or, I’ll kick out the windows

And spill glass on the floor

Isabella, Isabella…

Tell me where my daughter is

And, tell me how, all my love could

Have led to this"

I have been making waffles for breakfast lately.  It’s good to cook something, again, even if it’s just waffles.  Today, I made blueberry waffles.  They were fantastic.  We have an awesome waffle iron.  I just couldn’t stand to do anything in that kitchen when it was so messy.

I am so glad to have my pc working, again.  No longer confined to the guppy pc!  Free at last!  Many thanks to Ace for telling me how to fix the damn thing.  I never would have figured that out, and would’ve wound up paying some geek-squad-type-cat a hundred bucks or more to do it for me.  When people know you’re cluless, they screw you over, every time.  It’s the same with car mechanics – those dudes could always see me coming a mile away.  I clearly knew nothing about cars. 

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know much about anything.

"And, Isabella, you don’t have to love me like you did

maybe, things have fallen for the better

And Isabella, maybe, you’re just glad to be rid of me

I hope I’m on your mind

Isabella’s on my mind

I can hardly help but think of all the damage we have left behind us"

So, I don’t think about heroin as much, but it’s still in my head, and some days are harder than others.  But, other than the early slip ups that were accounted for in my blogs, I have been straight, in that regard.  It can be very hard at times, but I don’t want to go back to that life.  Even if I have no idea where I’m going – I know I wasn’t headed anyplace good when I was still strung out.  I was wrecking my body and mind, and punishing myself, over and over, for mistakes I’d already paid for a thousand times over.  And, the more damaged my reality became, the less I could stand to look at it.  There wasn’t enough GOOD in my life for me to want to hang onto any of it.  Blotting it all out was just more appealing.  So, right now, I’m trying to fill my life with art and other things that make me feel productive and give meaning to my time.  There’s a lot I want to do – right now, my energy doesn’t quite match my ambition to get out there and do things, but it will all happen.  Maybe, a little more slowly than I would like, but it will happen.

"Isabella, Isabella…

I know where you keep your gun

Don’t think that I’ve forgotten

All that you’ve done

Isabella, Isabella…

They won’t ever find you

Six feet under

Til the rain and thunder

Finish all that I have left of you"

Now Charlie is gone for work.  We sang some songs together, and had breakfast.  My waffles, plus some veggie sausages htat we picked up from Heartland Cafe.  We try to go on walks on mornings that we don’t have outpatient because the exercise seems to help me not to cramp up as badly (my stomach and intestines are in a sh*tty state, every morning, lately – really need to make those doctor appointments).  I still struggle with getting things done – staying on top of what I need to get done.  I feel like some kind of invalid – a psychological cripple.  I can only take on so much of any one thing or I get overwhelmed and do nothing.  I have taken to working on the apartment in 20 min blocks – I find that fairly tolerable and managable. 

There’s just so much to do, in general.

And, I have a lot to figure out in the comings days and months.

I try not to over-analyze anything.

The answers will come. 

If I stay on the right course…  the answers will come.

I have about three months off smack, at this point.  I am trying to think of a way to properly celebrate the occasion.  I am really pleased with the progress we’ve both made.

"And, Isabella, you don’t have to love me like you did

 Maybe, things have fallen for the better

 And Isabella, maybe, you’re just glad to be rid of me

 I hope I’m on your mind

 Isabella’s on my mind

I can hardly help but think of all the damage we have left behind us" 

(Mason Jennings, "Isabella")

I have already gotten a few things done today.  Stocked some healthy food in the fridge, picked up new shoes for Charlie, started some laundry (a very big deal), and exchanged some defective headphones that were under warranty.  I still have much to get done, and this blog is already crazy long, so, I am gonna stop myself for now.  But, I will likely carry on some more, later. 

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.