I have a job interview with *Enter big-box store here* tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn't stress too hard–it's only X-Mart, you know. It's not like I studied for 5 years trying to prepare myself to work for X-Mart… But it's come down to me dying for that little job. I've slacked for nearly a month because I became so mentally/emotionally exhausted that I border on a panic attack whenever I begin to fill out yet another job application. Now, I feel as though I'm royally fucked if I can't convince the people at X-Mart that I'm perfect for that job. This will be job interview # 5 since I graduated…
I have to stop feeling as though it's just another place that will never call me back or else I'll show up feeling unprepared and uneasy. But at the same time, I'm afraid to let myself think I have a chance. I'm so tired of this constant disappointment… I know where my mind should be, I just don't know how to get it there. That's worse, in my opinion, than being totally out of touch. Ignorance is bliss. The more logically aware of my situation I am, the more frustrated I feel for being unable to rely on that logic to get me past the emotional backwash.
I feel like I'm failing everyone. Older people–"Baby-Boomers"–look at me like I should be successful by now. Their congratulations have begun to burn. They don't get what I just walked into–the shit I'm left to sift through trying to get ANY job, let alone start a career. New grads are so cheated by this recession–OLD grads are so cheated by the recession. Americans have cheated themselves and eachother so much, they don't even know who to blame anymore–so EVERYONE gets punished for good measure.
I don't know how to get along in this world anymore. I wish I could leave it. I don't want to die–I just want off this stinking planet. Some place nice and uncultivated, where I can live the life of a wild-eyed, pre-verbal huntress, clubbing my meals and wiping my ass with palm leaves.