Doing time. That's all it is, isn't it? I used that phrase in an email today, but it's been in my head for over a week. This must be sort of how prisoners feel being stuck in prison, waiting for the day they walk out of those gates. Or death for others, because they'll never leave.
I'll admit, I'm not in the best mood. Nothing "bad" has happened, no major upset to my life has happened, I just feel…I don't know how to explain what I feel. There's too much there.
Saturday evening was the worst. My husband wanted us to go hang out with friends, and as I tried to get dressed the sobs just started coming and wouldn't stop. So I stood there with my head against the wall crying my eyes out, sobbing, half dressed. Aaron wanted me to finish getting dressed and go anyhow, but I couldn't. I told him that he and Zach could go but that I just needed to be alone and go to sleep. He got pretty irritated with me which just made me more hysterical. He never used to be that way with me. He used to be gentle and kind about it ~ not accusatory and pacing around out of frustration. I felt like I didn't know him at all, that somewhere along the way I hadn't noticed him changing.
So instead of going he angrily texted our friends to say we wouldn't be coming after all and that we were sorry. That just made me mad because I told him that he and Zach could go without me and have a nice time, and then he turned around and told me that he ' wasn't about to leave me like this'. I've been dealing with depression for a long time, and I'm not interested in killing myself at this point.
Anyhow, I got over my crying jag and though I was tired Sunday I still accomplished quite a bit. We worked with Zach on learning to ride a bike (he's almost there!), washed both cars, hung out in my hammock for awhile and watched the wind move the trees in whispery dances, watched a movie with Zachary and got laundry done. We also made ribs for dinner. I even played a little bit of violin. 🙂
As for doing time, yes ~ that's what I'm doing. But I'm trying to find a way to make mine fulfilling somehow, and not let my dark side own me so much. I fail at it a lot, but I get up eventually and keep trying.
I think I'm going to go for a bike ride. 😉