I cry a lot when I think about him. When I remember how he use to lean against the counter at family dinners…when I remember how he use to tell outlandish stories about my parents…I cry when I think about how he won't be there when I have my kids, or when I get into my first car crash…
I cry when I realize that I didn't get to hug him one last time. I cry when I realize that three days before my birthday he passed away. I cry when I remember the silly nickname he gave me. I cry when I see his number still in my contacts on my phone. I cry when I sit there for hours trying to delete his number.
I cry when I think that in two months I'm going to visit his grave for the third time. I cry when I think that…that he's the only one that I'm going to be able to talk to. I cry when I realize that he won't be able to talk back. I cry when I think about the funny memories he had. I cry when I remember the funeral.
I cry when I remember the look on my brother's face. I cry when I remember how my dad had tried to cheer me up. I cry when I realize I should have been trying to cheer him up…it was his brother. I cry when I remember the wails that came from my older cousin. I cry when I realize that it has been almost a year since he's been gone.
I cry myself to sleep sometimes…It's so hard no to miss him… It's so hard not to wish he'd be back. I miss my uncle so bad, I really wish he'd come back… I can't…he won't be there for so many things. I cry when I realize all I have left to remember him by is his car that my brother drives, and memories. I cry when I realize that my uncle sat in the very same seat as me when I sit down in the driver's seat of my brother's car.
I don't want to bring him up in my home because what if…what if they get mad? What if they get sad? I don't…I don't know… I miss him, so much, and…and I really don't want to be fourteen… He won't be there to wish me happy birthday. Why won't he just come back?