standing in the center of the room….eyes closed..feeling the anger and despair wash over me like a rainstorm…the pain flows through my veins like ice making me shake….i cant break enough things…cause myself enough pain to even come close to what is exploding out of me…i want to slam my face thru a fucking window and destroy what looks back at me in the mirror every morning with that mocking smile that reminds me what a piece of shit loser i am and if i had any real balls i would have killed myself a long time ago… instead of hanging on like a parasite making life hell for everyone around me…no matter what they tell me i know how much better it would be for them if i wasnt around dragging them down into the black…they try and help but i see the hidden look in their eyes telling me to stop dragging this out and just fuckin get it over already….the worst part is i dont want to just do it once…i want to be able to rise from the dead and do it again….destroy myself over and over until the pain eats itself like a star falling into a black hole…i'm so sorry for anyone who ever had to meet me even for a minute as im sure that wasnt something any person deserves….i'm so close now…closer then ive ever been to anything before….its so strange…the closer you get the clearer things become…pain opens your eyes…pulls whats real to the surface and discards everything else…so even in the middle of all this pain there is acceptance…that its all going to be ok…i just need the strength…to know im making the right decision….so i stand here…waiting…its been so long in coming….i'm praying with everything i have the strength to let go….so i'll stand here till it comes….