standing in the center of the room….eyes closed..feeling the anger and despair wash over me like a rainstorm…the pain flows through my veins like ice making me shake….i cant break enough things…cause myself enough pain to even come close to what is exploding out of me…i want to slam my face thru a fucking window and destroy what looks back at me in the mirror every morning with that mocking smile that reminds me what a piece of shit loser i am and if i had any real balls i would have killed myself a long time ago… instead of hanging on like a parasite making life hell for everyone around me…no matter what they tell me i know how much better it would be for them if i wasnt around dragging them down into the black…they try and help but i see the hidden look in their eyes telling me to stop dragging this out and just fuckin get it over already….the worst part is i dont want to just do it once…i want to be able to rise from the dead and do it again….destroy myself over and over until the pain eats itself like a star falling into a black hole…i'm so sorry for anyone who ever had to meet me even for a minute as im sure that wasnt something any person deserves….i'm so close now…closer then ive ever been to anything before….its so strange…the closer you get the clearer things become…pain opens your eyes…pulls whats real to the surface and discards everything else…so even in the middle of all this pain there is acceptance…that its all going to be ok…i just need the strength…to know im making the right decision….so i stand here…waiting…its been so long in coming….i'm praying with everything i have the strength to let go….so i'll stand here till it comes….

4 Comments
  1. Crysdawn25 13 years ago

    Dave,

    Please dont do it.  We here at dt would miss you.   We care so much for you and this ISNT A LIE!!!! I dont want you to go.  You need us as much as we need you.  I hope you listen to us.  We love you and care for you please dont do it…..  I have been there and if it wasnt for yall and my family I would have done it about a month ago.  Please stay with us………….Crystal

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  2. tekimthims 13 years ago

    nice prose.  Life sends us lessons. Listen

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  3. seekacu2 13 years ago

    Dave,

    I know you are feeling that you are in the deepest darkest depths of anger and despair. You are not alone. Many of us feel that way quite often. The pain and anger take over and seems that it is never going to end. Please do not hurt yourself. You have the strength inside of you to overcome this pain. It isn't easy, but if you give in to it then it wins. Don't let it win. Pray with every ounce of your strength that you have to let go of the pain. I have faith in you. You can rise up and destroy this giant that has control of you. You are truly a wonderful person. We all care a great deal about you. You are gifted. You have a tender heart. You're highly intelligent. Full of unspeakable wit and humor. We look forward to reading your polls daily and never know what other suprises you have in store for us. You deserve to enjoy life to the fullest. You are the master of your destiny. Please choose to move on with your life and not end it. Stay with us. We are here for you. Don't ever give up! Bunches of love and hugs~Linda

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  4. Louisiana1976 13 years ago

    Thumper,

     Me and doingok are very worried about you and hope you're OK. Please come back and let us know you are.

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