Well, I haven't wrote a blog since, what, September 7th. That's, well, a while ago and I thought maybe I should write a few things before I have to go.
Well for the most part since I've been on my life has been the average pain, ya know. My father still badgers me and yells. Nothing too big has really happened. Oh wait…just remembered one thing he did do that broke me quicker than uasual. I think I have enough time to write about it so, here it goes.
Well one night my dad was already a bit annoyed I guess, but we were having dinner and I was sitting with my one leg under my butt wit the other on the other side of the table leg. It was becoming a bit uncomfortable so I moved a bit and I guess it looked like I was trying to move away from him. So pissed, he got up and said that he would eat somewhere else. Upon leaving, I was a bit out of it, still trying to process what he did.
So eats out in the kitchen, then comes back when I was almost done. He sits down and starts his questions, such as; "I know you hate me, you've made that very clear. Why do you do this to people?"
I still can't understand what the hell he means by 'people', I sure a hell don't do anything hateful to others. He just kept badgering me with questions, yelling at me when I left to clean my plate. I had to come back so he could hurt me more. I wouldn't sit back down, making him very angry. He kept saying sit down to the point where he almost started full out yelling loudly. Finally he just started hitting me with questions and hurtful comments. Knowing he would attack me me with anything he's got, I didn't say anything. Just stood in the doorway, trying my hardest to hold as straight face.
Finally I got away and I went upstairs to my 'room'. But before I got fully away, I was just so pissed that I hit him on the arm and kicked him in the leg before rushing upstairs. Not being able to do anything else, I grabbed a pillow and started to cry my eyes out. He hadn't allowed me to grab my computer, which is what I needed the most, because I could get help from my best friend Caroline through Skype. Later on, which was only about 20 minutes he came back upstairs and into my room. He asked me to say I was sorry, but of course I didn't. I mean I was sure as hell not. That made him mad once again, and he still wouldn't let me get my laptop.
It just went on something like that for about an hour or so more, before I got to my computer. In that time, I was so messed up and confused. That really added onto my pain, making my already empty soul and heart rip open wider into a larger black hole of sadness and regret. All I can ask everyday is, 'Why me? Why can't I have a father? Any bit of happiness I feel is so hollow and temporary. What did I do to deserve this? I want to know, so badly.'
I remember this odd and annoying feeling all the way bad as far as I can remember. Now I know what it is. I had always felt this, but would never say anything because I didn't know if someone would get mad or it was normal. All I knew is that, I didn't like it and wanted it gone.
Thanks to anyone who read this! Thank you so much for putting some ime aside and listening. I know this is long, I type fast and I had a longer period of time then I thought.