I’ve been very honest with myself, lately. I no longer lie to myself and tell myself I want to fight for my marriage. I just want out of it. It’s just a matter of getting my ducks in a row and working up the nerve.

I know a lot of women fear being alone, but my fears lie in the fact that DH will undoubtedly be a worse EX than a husband.  I’m terrified of my son being caught up in a war caused by one of his ego trips. DH lacks the kind of character it takes to put your marital squabbling on the back burner in order to create a comfortable co-parenting situation for our son’s sake. He’s actually not a horrible human, just a horrible fucking husband and a selfish dad whenever he’s mad at me.

I’m tired of holding out hope that one of his tirades will result in a heart attack, thus making me a relieved widow. I’m making plans now. No, I’m not going to murder him! 🤨…🤔 …Okay, seriously, I’m not. 😂 But I have settled it in my mind that I will eventually divorce him.

Just not yet. Not until after my weight loss surgery. Not until I can either supplement my current income or land a better paying job.

So, for now it’s back to grinning and bearing his controlling behavior, his bossiness, his temper tantrums, his constant criticism, and his alcoholism.

Bear in mind, I’m not perfect either. I have my faults, but I actually know how to apologize after I say something hurtful or get snappish. An ACTUAL apology. Not “Sorry for earlier…but in my defense…etc” or “Sorry… I’m just really tired/exhausted/upset about Donald Trump…etc”

A real apology doesn’t come with excuses. It’s taken me 13 years to realize I’ve never gotten one from him.

 

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