I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented my last entry, the kind words were very much appreciated.

I had a hard time sleeping today, I think I managed to get some rest between 10:30 and 2:30 but the lack of (comfortable) sleep has my head pounding. I tried to ignore my Mom and brother leaving, I tried to ignore my Dad's friend digging the hole, and I really tried to ignore my Mom and brother returning.

I can't remember why but I got up and walked outside after they got home. I saw them putting dirt over her box…I didn't see the actual box but I knew that's what was there… I had been foolishly hoping that maybe, just maybe the vet had said, "Well she has X, we'll give her Y and she'll feel better". Seeing them with shovels made it clear that this did not happen…

I went back to bed, tried to push it all out of my mind, and finally fell asleep.

I tried, after waking up, to pretend it hadn't happened but the topic came up anyways and I was disturbed to learn that the vet was a total prick.

My Mom and brother had been hoping that the vet would administer the shot and they could stay outside and then just bring her home after it was all over with. But the vet made them sit in the waiting room for 20 minutes and then carry her back and hold her down. My poor brother was forced to hold her head up which I don't know the purpose of and he began crying. Just thinking of it makes me cry now even.

He shaved her, gave her the shot, and laid her down. He said she'd just go to sleep and after a bit, he coldly asked, "What do you want to do with her" or something, referring to what we were doing with her body.

I know he does this sort of thing all the time – it's his job. But I think he could have been a little less harsh. To him, it was just a dog but to us it was Kimberly, the sweet dog who never hurt anyone, always shook like she was scared, and, despite being a dog, seemed to have more respect for her mother than most human children do.

The only person who showed any kindness was a total stranger. When my Mom and brother got there, the vet was already with someone. And then another person needed some sort of medication so they had to wait for them, too. After that, a guy walked in with his dog and must have figured out what was going on so he said he'd come back later which was really nice of him because sitting there with your dog like that is the emotional equivalent of pulling off a band-aid very, very slowly.

I'm glad that I didn't go because given how easily I break down – and how badly I break down – I don't think it would have gone over well. It doesn't feel real, it feels like it happened too fast to be real. She wasn't that bad and then she was and the next thing I knew, I was standing before her with a camera taking what would come to be the last picture of her ever taken and I don't even know if it turned out okay because I had to use my Mom's disposable camera because I'm irresponsible and misplaced my digital camera. ;_;

I don't think it took, it was too dark and I don't think I had the flash on, I wasn't thinking straight.

I just need this day to pass so I can go to bed. I'm tired now but it's only after 6:00, way too early to settle in for bed.


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