I cant tell if I am content or numb but there isnt a mood for "numb" so I choose "content" lol.
After two weeks of having my family here they left. Just now. I couldnt sleep last night because I woke up at 1am and realized that they were leaving. I had known but I guess it hit me then. I lay awake for 3 hours. My husband woke up when I started crying and he just held me.
Now they are gone and will only be back once during my last month or so here. It wont really matter even when they do come. I am working so many hours for the rest of my time here. Many many many hours more than 40 each week. Even when they do come here again I will barely see them. At least this will help with the behind bills! This also means it will be our last month on food stamps and medicare. Thank God for those though. They have saved my family for the last two months. Seriously. I dont think we would have been able to feed the kids without it. Without the medicare I dont think we could have paid to get my sons arm x-rayed when the doc thought he broke it. I am grateful.
I have no idea where this blog is going. I guess I just feel really invisible and insignificant living in this little box all alone in a place where nobody knows I exist. I just wanted someone to know lol. Sometimes I sit here and think that if I just died…….it would be a long time until someone found me or noticed. My Grandma wouldnt notice or worry until it had been 2 weeks or more since she heard from me. Then she would call my husband. My husband would probably notice after 24 hours but wouldnt really worry until it had been 3-4 days or so.Probably longer than 3-4 days if I was scheduled to be working…..he wouldprobably assume that I was too busy or something.Idk, maybe he would call my work or see if he could get someone to come over to see if I was home. Maybe. I think 2-3 people from here would notice after it had been a few weeks.
Its just really odd knowing for sure that I wont see one person who knows me or cares about me in the next month. Not one. Nobody will drop by. Seems just a little strange sometimes when I think about it.
Somehow it has a feeling of safety to it though too. Yes, nobody can come show me they care, but nobody can come hurt me either. Kind of a freeing experience. If only my kids and husband could be here with me. Maybe in a year or so I wont have to live seperately from them to keep a roof over our heads and food in our kitchen. Until then, I know it sounds like I am whining but I am trying to do the best that I can to make this work. Trying to do the best that I can to support my family and take care of me. Just wish I had some clue of how I am doing on that second one. So hard to tell.