So today, well,yesterday, I managed to snap my mind to a slightly better place than usual. I even walked a mere 4km for no real reason & visited an old school friend. It was nice. But as usual, I go up & come down hard… With the exception of DT, I feel so lonely… I have no-one to really let myself out with… I just wanna hold someone tight that genuinely cares about me for a change… I love physical contact. A hug is the most amazing thing ever. I can just hug & never let go. May come across as somewhat weird, but atleast I don't wanna get down everyone's pants like most guys these days… It's pathetic. I always respect others as I wish to be respected & never invade someone elses space for my own desires. Not that anyone I've come in contact with the past while gives a damn about loyalty or respect… Makes me feel like being nice only ever puts a "gullible guy ripe to be walked over & taken advantage of" sign above my head… I donno… Anyways, I'm officially flu-sick, but I don't really care. I've got too many other things on my mind that are troubling me (which oddly helps with the dealing of feeling like crap). I know I'm gonna grieve, find a way to make sense of my thoughts, be fine for a while (usually a day or so), then come down again… It's very demotivating. But I'm trying… It's so hard not having anyone to be intimate with in terms of sharing my deepest grieves. I can't simplyspeak to anyone about everythingon my mind, some thingsare just way to delicate/sensitive… Well, I can obviously, & I do a lot, but it's very difficult… Most people I know don't really care much about anything other than themselves… I'm so used to having to work things out for myself, that I often don't have the ability to see from a 3rd person perspective… I don't believe I'm a good person (cause of the things I've done), but I'm certainly not the scum of the earth… Why am I so lonely?

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