My parents are going on a mini vacation to celebrate their 30th anniversary. The actual anniversary isn't until the end of August but summer is more convenient for them to take a vacation. I should just be happy for them and leave it at that but when have I ever written a positive blog??
I can't just be happy for them. I have to feel lonely, burdensome and worthless. I shouldn't be surprised, when have I ever felt just the traditional emotion? My parents want my brother to come home while they are gone, even if for just a bit, but it's inconvenient for him. He has his own life, as do my parents. I still think all of them would be better off if I was not here…I can't just ride out the joy I feel for my cousin (she graduated high school and had a party today). She struggles with depression too but she is not on the medications and yet she is able to manage. I hope, unlike me, her heart has the ability to feel love and know she matters. She must to an extent considering she has a strong faith. I often wonder what it would be like if I could let go and let my guard down…I see my guardlike a dream catcher of sorts with the ability to filter what gets through and what does not.
I hinted to my psychologist that I dreaded this trip or rather I don't trust myself and I worry about our pets…If I were to…go away, there would be no one to care for the pets. They are the only thing keeping me here. I can't say I fight because of my family…I'm sure if I could actually feel their love it would be different. It has been years since I have been able to recall feeling…safe and loved. When I say safe I think of a child being able to hold their parent after they have a bad dream…I have tried so hard to remember what it felt like to just hold onto someone and let go…I think of my uncle who I called my "favorite" as a kid. Every time he would come to Florida to visit I would run to the door when they would arrive and fly into his arms…I feel the tears threatening to fall as I remember that.
My mom just showed me a picture of my dad when he was 16…even thenmy dad loved my mom. On the back of the picture he had written a "love" promise for when they got married. I couldn't just think "oh how sweet" I had to feel a stab of envy and emotional pain.
I pet one of the cats in a pathetic attempt to comfort myself and ease the pain in my heart…