I've been through more heart break in sobreity with my significant other than I've ever had to endure nonstop ever in my life…I've experienced awful feelings…but this one has been never ending…no relief, it seems at times, for a year. I am in love. So deeply in love. My heart aches…we have gone through the same back and forth for so long. We never want to go through a heart break alone or have to end things without promises of something better on the other side…but no one can say anything that makes me want to walk away…it has to be on my time..but when will I feel I've had enough. Sometimes I think I have, but I go right back. It distracts me from my life and from responsibility. It's emotionally abusive…I was so good for so long. And now I have become just as much the monster as them. Even though I think I see things more clearly for what they are…I'm still standing right there with them in the same place we stood in time and time again. We cut things off again though. This time I need to try to make it stick. I wish I could numb the feelings and the fears. I have so much fear of losing them forever…They mean so much to me. We have been through so much. But am I holding onto a false idea of them? Have they been there when I asked them to? No. Have they made me feel loved? Too little too late. I want other things…but I wish I could have my cake and eat it too I guess. I want them in my life but I don't want them. It's selfish really. But I know they must be in the same position. I have to stay away. It's so hard. I have cried to much that it's hard to now. Maybe because we have been through the same thing thing over and over im numb to it now. I'm afraid of moving on. Of them moving on. They always do right away. Maybe we just cope differently. I know we love each other. But maybe our expiration date came a long time ago. And it's time to let the love live on in our memories…as do many other loves I have had before. I can't go out because of this feeling…because of getting back with this person and having my sanity robbed again. I need the full relief out of sobreity…I'm willing to give it a shot. I pray the willingness to be willing stays here with me. I'm so anxious…I wish I knew where they were…what they were doing…who they are with…are they thinking of me. I can't force them to see their mistakes…I've tried so hard. Sometimes we aren't ready to. I hope someday we both see it in a different light…a way that changes us for the better…and makes us love and appreicate each other for where we have been together.

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