Coping with the lack of physicality sucks, but he’s worth it, and I think it’ll get easier once I’m on the meds.  The hypersexuality should be tempered, once I’m taking mood stabilizers.  But, those drugs do scare the hell out of me.  I didn’t accomplish the things I wanted to, today.  My cat seems better – thats a relief.  I was just so sick and sad, today.  I was paralyzed, again.  Stuck here, frozen, in front of the pc.  This is where I sit all day, when I can’t move.  People come here, from time to time, but there are days when I don’t go out much at all.  I go to outpatient in the a.m., six days a week, without fail (unless I’m sick enough to be hospitalized, which has happened once, recently).  The kick isn’t coming together at all.  I was making progress, but then…  to make a long story short, my progress was derailed.  Now, I’m back at the beginning, starting over again.  It’s really discouraging, but I don’t know what else to do.  I need to be stronger, that’s all.  I just…  need to be stronger. 

I’m glad that sicko who left that awful message got banned.  We don’t need that kind of crap here.  Everyone on this site has been through enough, already.  Some of us have made mistakes, but we’ve all paid for those mistakes, a hundred times over.  I guess, I’m just tired, tonight.  Charlie’s home, and seeming warm towards me, so, I’m gonna go put my head on his shoulder.  And, I’m going to enjoy what that feels like.  Maybe, I’m just stoned or goofy from exhaustion, but maybe I can make something out of this whole no-sex deal.  Maybe, I can grow, or some damn thing.  I know I need sex more than I should.  Maybe, our relationship can grow, while this is happening.  With the sex factored out (given present associations) maybe, he’ll be more at ease.  Maybe, he’ll just reach for me, one day, without ever saying a word.   Maybe…


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