i've been trying to sleep for the past two hours. it is now 11:19 pm where i am at and i have school tomorrow. the problem the same. my ocd scared the living daylights out of me. i am also very very uncomfortable. it is very hard to sit or lay down i am so uncomfortable. i don't know what it is. maybe it is anxety i don't know but i can't find the symptoms that match mine online and i am far too embarressed to talk to my doctor. but the uncomfortableness is making my ocd so much worse. everytime i think i can take advantage of the silence and attempt to fall asleep it get hit with something harder and more scary. i just want to cry and scream i am in so much agony. i want someone to be here and sit here and keep me company while i sleep but there is none. i feel so broken like a bird with her wings ripped off. i hate being touched by people now i loath it i want nothing to do with people anymore and i have slowly started vanishing into the woodwork i feel like i am caged behind glass walls when i am with people i just don't want to be around them anymore. i know that is the wrong thing to do and i need to be around people, but you have no idea what it is like to say something and get those looks like what the hell are you talking about or why the heck did you say that. sometimes i wonder if i am speaking a second language rather than american english. geez i hate writing depressing stuff but if i were to write something positive i would be lying this is how i feel. every day i feel like i am slowly forgetting what it is like to be a normal person. i know i am not suppose to isolate myself but right now i don't want anyone to see me i don't want anyone to see my constant pain because i am afraid they will call me a lier. i hurt so much inside i am so tired i am tired of fighting but i just have to keep on plugging away at my therapy and continue to be on here and wait for the information on my other therapist to come in the mail before i can make a descision on finding a new therapist either permentently or temporarly or at all. i want that letter in my hands before i decide anything. at least i have my behavorial therapist she has been helping me out tons. i also am trying to find some stress balls to take with me to my sessions and here at home. when i get really really really anxious i have a tendency to grip anything my hand is on usually it is my arms and i cut off my finger nails to avoid accidently scratching myself badly but i figured stress balls might help even extremely short nails and do damage and with me on a steep incline right now i need something to prevent me from accidently hurting myself during an anxiety or panic attack.

 

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