Before i get started–again–lemme just be clear:  these are my thoughts, and as i feel or whatever’s going on in the moment, flows out of me on the page…..–just fyi.

i apologize for all the complaining i’ve been doing, lately.  *sigh  Almost feels like nothing is easing up nor making me….happy?  relaxed?–anything really positive?  No matter how clear i feel i am, at times, it feels like i’m basically beating my head against a wall, for now.  Kinda like all work and very little/no play?  –or no release from stress?  How tiny i feel when i know i put forth so much effort, trying to make things work and flow, as smoothly as possible, under the circumstances…..  *sigh  i know a lot of it is truly out of my control, as i cannot control another human’s actions.  It would just be nice….or at least i think it would be a bit less tedious, if my feelings were taken into consideration a bit more than they are.  What i’m referring to, yes, involves certain intimate activities.  ahem.  i don’t think i’m asking for too much, especially considering what all i’ve paid for, put up with, and worked around, in the last year+.  Yes, it has been my choice to do so.  But, i’ve also spoken my mind, on several occasions….  Do you hear me????  Why won’t you listen to me, and actually work with me????  i am not superhuman!!!  i am just me.  i am a woman.  i have needs, even when it doesn’t “appear” to be the case.  i’ve told you…..i’ve tried to show you and express myself, to be clearer.  But, all it seems happens:  YOU get taken care of, offending me or not, with your actions and comments, and i’m just supposed to do whatcha want, whenever YOU want, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve ‘done anything for me.’   *sigh  Yes, i know how to do things for myself–as i learned a few decades ago!  But, whenever you’re in a relationship, there should be some….relations!!!!!  i don’t think that’s asking/expecting toooooo much!!!  Especially when you get yours whenever you want–you’ve even gone back to watching porn! (i’ve walked in on you twice, in the past week or so.)  What more can i do?  What am i supposed to do?????  Do i just grin and take it?  Or do i fight for my….rights, needs, desires?????  i’ve supported you, this entire time.  i’m not going over the string of expenses, again–it’s getting annoying to me, even–since it’s beating that dead horse, again.  But, i have feelings.  i am a woman.  If i can’t get what i need…….what other choice would i have????  i need to know–and feel–loved, just as you do.  Is that hard to understand?????  If i’m so “beautiful, inside and out,” as you say, why won’t you even try?????  Are you that lazy?  or is it just the idea of exerting so much effort, on my account?

………………….rant end…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

i started to write more…but, i almost feel it’s for naught.  *sigh  i mean, why do i even try?  why did i get these workbooks, if i’m not going to do all the exercises in them, especially the ones regarding breathing?  Guess i still need to keep rethinking things……

 

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