I went to the store with my mother and one comment–negative of course–from her made my mood plummet. I wish I was stronger than this…I wish I had the power to make myself happy.
I find myself thinking about living without them under the same roof and I feel happy but sad in other areas like missing my babies. Gracie and Roscoe–dogs–make me so happy and put a damm smile on my face. My parents rarely do that ever since this whole drinking thing.
I wish I had more confidence in myself…wish I had some guts, wish I had some courage but alas, I'm am lacking in those areas. I don't lack in love–God knows I love my babies to pieces and I feel obligated to love my parents despite their…problems I guess. I find myself constantly looking for signs from a higher power…I know some of you the read this don't believe and that's fine. I still would appreciate your feedback.
When I mentioned having an online blog to my mother, she didn't think it was a good idea: too many people could find out and ruin you (that's the feeling I got from their comments). Well if I didn't write, I'd find other, unhealthy ways to deal. Would they rather I took it out like that??
I just can't wait until I can go back to my grandma's. I feel so…happy there and I don't have to worry about anyone drinking too much. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about all of this…I have my therapist but I like her too much to dump all of it on her but I do anyway because my parents pay for me to see her. I feel like she's another mom to me…I want to cry when I type that. I wish I had a place to be alone, with my laptop but no such luck.
And of course I'm listening to music as family watches a movie. And she(my mother) wonders why I isolate? Gee maybe because all you guys to is drink or watch tv.
It's thundering…my poor baby Gracie is scared. Better submit this while I can.