I havent been sleeping well for about a week now and and i keep having horrible nightmares..
Last nights dream almost tipped me over.
The dream was I was pregnant, but this time I had a little bump now and I could feel how happy we were to have a little one on the way. I went to the toilet and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I got up and looked in the toilet and there was my baby dead in the toilet. I had miscarried. I started screaming and and shouting for my boyfriend who came running to help me. There was blood all over. He lifted the baby out of the toilet and held it while crying. Then he said to me "What have you done?" I tried to explain to him that I didnt do anything and I didnt know why this had happened, but he wouldnt listen.
Then I woke up… I cried for hours. I still don’t understand why in my dream my boyfriend was angry with me for losing the baby when in real life he wanted me to have the abortion. When I had the abortion I was really upset for about a week or so.. Then we went on holiday and I didnt have to think about it. I blocked it out my mind and ended up getting the spark back into my relationship which made me happy. I dont think I have been dealing so well with the abortion underneath it all though. I can see now that it has been eating away at me for a while in the back of my mind and now its all coming out. Last time I had an abortion I had a break down and promised myself I would never do it again no matter what. Then it DID happen again.. it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Going through that again almost tore my soul out. I have thought I have been doing ok, but now I see the guilt is tearing me appart inside.. Ripping me to pieces.
I feel so alone right now and I don’t know who to turn to.. I’m so tired.