The number one thing I hate people say is, "You will never understand…" and trust me, I know, but there are times when you know they will never understand and you have this urge to say it. The only thing that stops you is knowing that you don't know what they go through, what they're hiding, but I just want to say it for the sake of this blog. Just to vent, but nothing so personal. I wanted to put it where I know my best friend would never see it since she's on every other site I'm a member of, so I can never vent it somewhere where I know she won't see it. Then, I thought of this site.
Last night, I was feeling pretty suicidal. I guess I was so out of my mind, I wrote on tumblr, "I'm probably gonna die this weekend. If not, then Wednesday." 2 of my friends saw that and immediately got worried. One of them sent a message to me on tumblr while my best friend messaged me, called me, texted me, etc.
She texted me today telling me to tell her everything that I'm feeling. If I'm actually okay, she would need a lot more than a measly text to convince her. So, I sent this:
"Okay. To be honest, I don't know if I am. I don't want to sound all melodramatic and cliche like I'm writing a story, but I just don't know. I just feel done with a lot of things and Harmony's anniversary is coming up on Wednesday… I can't get rid of that guilt. I feel horrible. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel scared. I feel stressed. A lot of people are expecting so much out of me and I can't give anymore than I already am… I don't know."
Then, I sent another right after, "and I'm having tons of flashbacks and nightmares from the past." I was sexually assaulted by my brother's ex-friend back in 5th grade and I was also almost kidnapped that same year. I have PTSD.
She goes on to say stuff like we'll get through this together, you're beautiful, an amazing friend (all the typical stuff) and said I know this is basically all of the things people are supposed to say, but I mean every single thing. She sent me a 5 page text, but there were things in it that got me… I don't know. Not sad, more like pissed off. I don't know why.
She kept telling me, "You know, I have a D in Math, a C in Science" and other grades and she goes on to say, "and you know my parents are always expecting more from me like that. So, they're obviously not happy with me…" Then, she also goes on to say, "Bad flashbacks and nightmares are all that I'm having right now, too." No. Not like the kind I have. The only bad flashbacks she has are of Dylan and how they did things together. I'm not just saying this to be ruthless and a bitch, but she told me that as well. She wasn't sexually assaulted. She wasn't almost kidnapped.
She has been bullied in the past and talks about how bad she had it, but then she'll look at someone randomly in the hallway and would say, "Ew, whore" based on what someone is wearing.
When I'm in need, all she can keep talking about is herself. Keeps comparing to whatever I have with her. No. She said she was bi-polar like me, but was never diagnosed like I was. The only reason why she is getting medication is because her mother's a nurse at a hospital and she's writing her own prescriptions. She only has had one boyfriend in her whole entire life and they dated for a while in the past, then broke up with him, got depressed because he was dating another girl, then dated him again for a year and a half, slept with him, then decided to try and get somewhere with a guy that I liked, Connor, because she kept saying, "I told you I'm perfect for him" even though she knew I liked him; she was still dating Dylan, mind you. Then, she broke up with Dylan because she wanted Connor, but then a few hours later, she called Dylan again and they got back together because she heard him cry on the phone when she broke up with him. Then, a few months later he broke up with her and now has a new girlfriend while she is sexting it up with a 20 year old man who lives in Ontario, but when she found out Dylan had a new girlfriend, she got depressed and kept saying, "How could he do this to me? Move on?" but then continued to talk to the 20 year old and that's all she ever talks about.
I can never tell her my problems because she always has to include herself in on them, like we share similar things, but we don't.
Dylan treated her right. Called her at a specific time each night, but if he was 5 minutes late, she would get upset at him and they would get in fights all the time. She wore him thin. Never let him talk or hangout with his friends, didn't want him talking to other girls, kept bringing up "Why would you pick me?" crap. He treated her right, but she treated him like crap. She had double standards. I never had a boyfriend like that, though.
I've been in multiple relationships and none of them treated me right. My first relationship was only because he wanted to show people he could get a girlfriend, not because he liked me. The second relationship was because he wanted to try and do "things" with me, but I would never let him, so I broke up with him. I'm waiting for marriage (that's my idea. Don't like it? Buzz off). The last boyfriend I had was an abuser. He would get mad at the slightest of things and would take it on me physically, so I broke up with him and never spoke to him again.
I understand it's not right to say, "You will never understand, Jenna" but sometimes you just feel like you should say it. I just felt like I had to say it.