what a day… I've been on the edge of a total melt down for some time now. My therapist has encouraged me to write an angry do-not-send letter to my mom. Today I was supposed to go to the mall with my 9 yr old daughter and her friend so I got dressed into something decent, put on some make-up ect, made myself human, was actually looking forward to getting a new pair of shoes. Mine have holes in them and no ankle support and I never do anything for myself and my birthday is coming up….anyway I digress….her friend shows up and says "oh ya we have to go sell girl guide cookies first and I didn't know you were coming so…..I'm not sure what to do (the mom is driving them around obviously, they aren't alone or anything) so I'm like "fine whatever" and slammed a few things around my apartment after they left, curled up in a ball on the floor and sobbed like a fucking baby. I have been feeling so rejected and alone lately all I could think was wow I can't even get a couple of 9 year olds to hang out with me. So I used some "anger stratagies" my therapist taught me (won't she be pleased?) like pushing with all my strength against a wall to release the physical anger instead of punching the shit out of myself like I have done in the past. And I thought "alright what is this really about?" and of course the underlying core issue is my mother's abondonment so after some more tears I finally sat down and wrote the letter I have been putting off for so long. The sad thing is I don't feel any better, not really. But at least that unpleasentness is behind me for now. All I can say is denial is the most powerful force in this world. It trumps love every time.