So Boyfriend got back from drills Thursday morning and we talked Thursday night. I wasn't a mess. I didn't cry buckets. I didn't yell or scream or sink down to my knees and beg for him back. I calmly owned up to and apologized for being a crazy psycho bitch. He accepted my apology. I emphasized further just how much I want him back. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said he would give me and the relationship another chance.
I felt–like the happiest girl on Earth at that moment. I knew that everything was going to be okay. Within minutes we were talking and joking and laughing like old times. (SIDENOTE: I had talked to my doctor a week ago, explaining that the birth control was making me think and act like a crazy psycho bitch, so she switched me to a lower dosage. So, at the time where Boyfriend and I talked, I really WAS starting to feel a lot like my old self) And then he kissed me, and it felt so passionate and perfect and RIGHT. He left to go home, but asked if i would follow him there so we could spend the night together. So I went over and we ended up falling asleep together. Again–with his arms around me, it felt like nothing had happened and nothing would happen again. I was so happy.
He had to leave early the next morning, but he woke me up long enough to kiss me goodbye. With a sleepy smile on my face, I said, "Have a good day" and then immediately hit the pillows again. I woke up about an hour later, though, to return to my own home….and then went back to sleep again after getting there. Just after I shut my eyes, I heard my text ringtone go off. I ignored it–I just wanted to sleep. Then it went off again. And again. And again. Obviously, this was a long-ass message that I needed to read.
It was from Boyfriend.
It said, in a nutshell, "I made a decision too soon last night blahblahblah I don't feel like I'm in a relationship with you anymore blahblahblah I hope someday we'll be able to be friends. I'm sorry, Rachel."
……WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I was so confused. And hurt. And disappointed. And…well you get the idea.
But I stayed calm. After all, it was Psycho Bitch Rachel (henceforth known as PBR) that drove him away in the first place. I wasn't about to have her make things worse when I was trying to fix things. And I was DETERMINED to fix things. So I asked him if he could please stop by my house after he was finished doing his thing for the day so we could discuss this more. He complied.
Fast forward hours later and we're having "The Conversation Part II" (I think it goes without saying that I never expected nor wanted it to get to Part II status). He's saying that he only agreed to give the relationship another shot because he knew that a break-up would involve losing me for good and forever. However, he "doesn't see me as his girlfriend anymore". BUT…he sees me as "best friend" potential. Someone who he tells everything to and someone who he jokes around with all the time.
At this point, I'm a little confused and disappointed because I still see HIM as a boyfriend. Did I imagine the strong feelings I got from our kissing? From sleeping next to each other? I asked him if it felt awkward to him when he did those things. He said no. So I asked him What's the problem? You've got your girlfriend AND your best friend rolled into one!
Then I said that he really hadn't given this time around a fair shot. It hadn't been a day since our conversation and we hadn't spent any QUALITY time together since the conversation trying to GET those relationship feelings back. That's the only way to get this relationship back on track–quality time and the EFFORT and WANT to get things back to normal.
I asked him for a month of honest effort from both ends. I told him that if, at the end of the month, he still feels the same way, I will let the relationship go and stop trying. He agreed to give it the month of effort. He then had to leave because he was heading out to hang out and possibly spend the night with a (guy) friend of his. Okay. Cool. Go get your bromance on.
Okay. So today. We're texting. I ask what his plans for the day were. Of course, while I'm awaiting his reply, I'm inwardly chanting to myself "He wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his day with me. Wants to spend it with me. Wants to spend it with me." He replied saying, "have to get an SD card and then got invited to a Halloween party tonight with Olivia". (FYI: Olivia is his best friend. I have met her. She is not a threat.) Okay…spending time with the BFF. That….should be….acceptable…..right?
Well…yeah. It SHOULD be. But PBR started to take over a little bit. Okay, so in between 11am when he said he would be getting an SD card and 9pm when this party is supposed to be going on—what is he doing? He COULD be spending time with ME. After all, we agreed that THAT is what would make this relationship work. And why doesn't he want to bring me along to this party? I'm bored. I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do. He knew this. And didn't do anything about it.
Again, I know all of what i just said above is pretty irrational. There's absolutely no reason why he can't go out WITHOUT me and have fun with his friends. I'm sure that we'll have plenty of time during this month to spend together and work things out. I guess I just wish I felt like he WANT to spend time with me. But I know that this is something that I might have to earn back from him.
I'm just so frustrated at this point. And afraid. I want to tell him how I feel, but everytime I do, he gets aggravated and upset. I also know that it's not ME feeling this way, but Psycho Bitch Rachel. I know that in order to avoid rocking this boat, I need to leave him alone for the rest of the night. Then tomorrow, I know i need to slap a smile on my face, text him asking how he enjoyed the party and then ask him if he wants to watch football together. As much as I'm hurting inside right now, I know that, if I REALLY want things to work out between he and I, that's what I have to do.
It is just so. Damn. Hard.