This is something I haven't done for many years, write down my feelings but in truth I have never felt like I have done this week.
This is my story
When I was 9 years old I lost my mum to suicide (i'm now 22) At first I felt sad that she had gone but then as the years have gone by the sadness has been replaced with utter anger, rejection and I believe this is created my depression, maybe I was always meant to get depressed – i will never know. Anyway, my teen years were a mangled hormonal mess, not only did I have "teen" issues, I also had massive issues with trust, rejection (because of my mum), anger and this feeling that I would never be enough. I was insecure, at 15 very clingy with my Dad and at 16 when I left home, cried myself to sleep for nights because I missed my dad. I thought I was pretty normal at that point, missing my dad, in a totally new place etc but looking back, maybe i have always been like this, only now, I can't ignore it, I am going to have to deal with it. I was a good teenager – even if i was insecure and quite possibly "high maintenance" but not because i wanted the latest designer clothes,but because i demanded love and attention all the time. During my times, apart from the anger and the feelings, my life seem pretty settled.
When I was 19 I seemed to start rebelling, I call it a late rebellion because growing up feeling as though my mum killed herself because I wasn't good enough, I was scared that other people would leave, so I daren't do anything remotely bad. Basically, everything a typical 15 year old did; drinking, arguing with parents, choosing the wrong types of men etc, i did at 19 only at that age it is taken far more seriously.
The last two years have been the worst they possibly could be, but Sunday was a new point that I have never hit before, and I scared myself. In 2011 I went through some horrible times, and what I went through should have taught me a lesson, but it doesn't seem to have done. I look back at 2011 and wonder if that was the start of my problems; started getting drunk on my own every night (i just got to the point where I couldn't cope with my feelings anymore, and NEEDED to escape) I never got any help though because I assumed it was just my way of been a last minute teenager.
Last year i spent most of the year in a horrible relationship, looking back i was so self destructive and none of the pain i went through was worth it. Once I had become single i began going on dates, and one date pointed out how much i drank – I knew my drinking had become an "Issue" but for a stranger to point it out, I was mortified, so i stopped doing it during the week and save £250 the first month.
But by the end of last year i got overwhelmed again and started drinking heavily, came to yet another crossroads in my life and thought things have got to change, so in January I did dry January (46 days dry without a drop) but by day 15 I felt out of control, i felt anxious, i felt sad, i felt insecure and i felt totally out of my depth with how I felt, i went to doctors and got some antidepressents. Thingsshould have got better, and i thought they had.
I started seeing someone, I finished with him on wednesday (my birthday) I didn't trust him (not because of him, entirely because of me) i was insecure, paranoid, so i drank, the more i drank the more insecure and paranoid I got. So on wednesday I had my last drink. I have made the decision to avoid alcohol until i feel better.
On sunday night i cried all night, something i haven't done since i was 15, i couldn't breath properly and i was really sad, i have never come to that kind of point before and i scared myself.
My mum killng herself has left me with huge scars and i'm really ready to wash the scars off as i fear been on my own forever because my scars make me very insecure.