This is something I haven't done for many years, write down my feelings but in truth I have never felt like I have done this week.

This is my story

When I was 9 years old I lost my mum to suicide (i'm now 22) At first I felt sad that she had gone but then as the years have gone by the sadness has been replaced with utter anger, rejection and I believe this is created my depression, maybe I was always meant to get depressed – i will never know. Anyway, my teen years were a mangled hormonal mess, not only did I have "teen" issues, I also had massive issues with trust, rejection (because of my mum), anger and this feeling that I would never be enough. I was insecure, at 15 very clingy with my Dad and at 16 when I left home, cried myself to sleep for nights because I missed my dad. I thought I was pretty normal at that point, missing my dad, in a totally new place etc but looking back, maybe i have always been like this, only now, I can't ignore it, I am going to have to deal with it. I was a good teenager – even if i was insecure and quite possibly "high maintenance" but not because i wanted the latest designer clothes,but because i demanded love and attention all the time. During my times, apart from the anger and the feelings, my life seem pretty settled.

When I was 19 I seemed to start rebelling, I call it a late rebellion because growing up feeling as though my mum killed herself because I wasn't good enough, I was scared that other people would leave, so I daren't do anything remotely bad. Basically, everything a typical 15 year old did; drinking, arguing with parents, choosing the wrong types of men etc, i did at 19 only at that age it is taken far more seriously.

The last two years have been the worst they possibly could be, but Sunday was a new point that I have never hit before, and I scared myself. In 2011 I went through some horrible times, and what I went through should have taught me a lesson, but it doesn't seem to have done. I look back at 2011 and wonder if that was the start of my problems; started getting drunk on my own every night (i just got to the point where I couldn't cope with my feelings anymore, and NEEDED to escape) I never got any help though because I assumed it was just my way of been a last minute teenager.

Last year i spent most of the year in a horrible relationship, looking back i was so self destructive and none of the pain i went through was worth it. Once I had become single i began going on dates, and one date pointed out how much i drank – I knew my drinking had become an "Issue" but for a stranger to point it out, I was mortified, so i stopped doing it during the week and save £250 the first month.

But by the end of last year i got overwhelmed again and started drinking heavily, came to yet another crossroads in my life and thought things have got to change, so in January I did dry January (46 days dry without a drop) but by day 15 I felt out of control, i felt anxious, i felt sad, i felt insecure and i felt totally out of my depth with how I felt, i went to doctors and got some antidepressents. Thingsshould have got better, and i thought they had.

I started seeing someone, I finished with him on wednesday (my birthday) I didn't trust him (not because of him, entirely because of me) i was insecure, paranoid, so i drank, the more i drank the more insecure and paranoid I got. So on wednesday I had my last drink. I have made the decision to avoid alcohol until i feel better.

On sunday night i cried all night, something i haven't done since i was 15, i couldn't breath properly and i was really sad, i have never come to that kind of point before and i scared myself.

My mum killng herself has left me with huge scars and i'm really ready to wash the scars off as i fear been on my own forever because my scars make me very insecure.

  1. mentalhell 10 years ago

    It really sounds like you have had a very difficult time… šŸ™ If there was anything to say to magic it all better, I would sure say it! Welcome to DT though! And yes, writing it all down can do a world of good. Blog as much as you want! It has helped me, just to see your feelings in black and white. The people on here are also very supportive and always have great advice! i'm very sorry to hear what you have gone through, but reaching out to people and finding help for yourself is a great start. One step at a time. Might take a while but one day you will get there. šŸ™‚

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  2. sadviolinist 10 years ago

    That's a whole lot to deal with hon. I'm glad you found a place that you can truly put your feelings out there and feel like you can trust what's coming back to you from others here. Like you I had a friend who's Mom commited suicide when she was about 12 and went through many of the same things. She is almost 33 now but has refused to see that she needs help through medications and such.  She has a horrible time with depression too and feelings of insecurity and anger.  She drinks some but her comfort of choice has become food. In her situation though, because she hasn't dealt with any of it, she has isolated herself from everyone who loves her and hasn't been on a date in at least 4 years now. I think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for. I do think you should stay away from the alcohol though ~ drinking alone is a bad sign.  But you recognize that it's a problem for you and that's great; it's a step towards healing. I hope you can begin anew and find a way to accept the scars and calm your insecurities. You are you ~ and you're uniqueness makes you beautiful and worthy of feeling good about yourself. Take care and if you need to talk just message me. ((HUGS)) ~ SV

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