This past weekend, or the past week I suppose, I cam to a realisation that I guess shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. I have come to the realisation that I am not over my failed relationship. I am not over him, I am not ever the loss of the life I led for so long; and above all I am not over the loss of what I felt was my soulmate. This isn't to say that I would go back to him – far from it. I could never risk him hurting me that much again, I'm not even sure I would survive it a second time around. But I have to admit to myself that I am not ready to move on, and the main conclusion that the past few weeks have led to me; I do not want to be with anybody at all. I have many wonderful friends and without them I surely would not survive, but as it stands currently, I can not imagine myself in another relationship. I have to admit, in all honesty, I am enjoying being single and being me for the first time in many many years.
And yet, herein lies another problem. I now have to hurt somebody else, somebody who feels a certain way about me, and I cannot reciprocate that feeling. I often feel forced and somewhat obliged to, and it has become clear lately that this creates too much anger inside of me, and it is neither fair to myself or to this other individual.
I guess what I'm trying to say, in one way or another, is I like being alone. I am happy in the knowledge that i have to please nobody but myself, that I can go out and get drunk and laugh and joke and flirt and dance with whoever I want, whenever I want, with the knowledge that I am perfectly able to do so, without the backlash of another. I don't want to have to feel bad for enjoying myself – I spent too many years tied to another who made me feel that way and destroyed my confidence. I refuse, in fact, to feel bad about being myself.
I am comfortable in the knowledge I still have a long way to go before I am over the devastation my ex left me feeling. I am not going to pretend that I am fine, when really I am not.
As always, I will take every single day as it comes, and my only hope is that 2011 brings me many easier days than the past has.