Alright..So I know I was just going to post one blog a day…But this is just really nagging at me. this is something that happened last night. It has to do with self-harming…
Well…With an example, Last night I couldn\'t sleep (Which isn\'t unusual for me Since I have sleep apnea ad sleep paralysis ), Well this always leaves my mind racing for many different reasons,It even brought me into two panic attacks.
Afterwards, When my panic attacks had calmed down, It just left me with alot of rage and anger..For multiple reasons really, For all my disorders and screw ups and Illness\'s…Just everything…As well as…A traumatic memory that always haunts me…
( I\'m sorry…I\'m not ready to admit what that memory is just yet…I hope you can understand?)
So, I got so angry about the eating disorders again, So I grabbed some random food out of the fridge and basically destroyed it…
Afterwards I still felt so disgusted and like a HUGE fucking Idiot….
So, I went back to my room…And started just…cutting all over my thighs and stomach, I was just to angry, and disgusted and…Anxious I don\'t even know how to describe it! I just felt like a freak, And I still feel so alone and angry.
I feel like it\'s normal…Doing this, the disorders, Even if it hurts my body i\'ve been doing it for so long…I can remember why every scar is on my body, Why I put it there, When it was put there…It…I can\'t even describe it, I can\'t stop when he urge appears.
After that happened, I made myself vomit (even though it hurts my ulcers, and throat..As well as my diabetes)this morning just so I wouldn\'t have to go to school…Because my social Anxiety kicked back in,
I feel like if I go, Those…people can sense how fucked up I am And like animals they\'ll prey on that weakness and…Just keep picking at me until NOTHING, is left…I already feel like the walking dead when I\'m alone in my room or forced into public…
I…I don\'t know, I just had to get this rant out of my head, and just to vent…I\'m confused, and angry and hurt…I\'m just so fucking frustrated!!
And sadly…I know that probably part of feeling fine with doing this to my body is that traumatic memory I said in here earlier…But I just can\'t…And don\'t know if I can tell anyone about that yet, I\'ve only told one other person about it…I feel so lost right now.
A/N- I\'m sorry…I said i\'d only post one a day for a daily blog, But I couldn\'t hold this in…I just…I\'m not sure what to say, I just feel like I should apologize…I feel like even though so far there have been amazing people with the feedback, I\'m a burden and everything is my fault, Parents fighting, My brother having a freaky sister, my own sickness, and that…traumatic memory….I\'m such a horrible person….I\'m sorry :\\
I\'m not sure if you\'re in therapy or have sought it before but just having someone to talk to, at least for me, can sometimes remove that weight of the world feeling. Medication has helped me also as I experience intense panic and anxiety attacks that were making it impossible to live my life. Know that you\'re not alone and you have to TAKE ACTION on your own behalf. Know that you are NOT a horrible person even if you\'ve made decisions in your life that you deem to be horrible. Treat yourself like a project that is the most important on your to do list. Think what an amazing contribution you could be to society as soon as you let go of the past and commit to moving forward. I know this is all easier said than done and we all have our paths to walk and obstacles to overcome but you can do it!!