I am writing this because I have no other way to get out my feelings. I keep my feelings, a lot of the time, inside me. I think part of the reason I am ALWAYS anxious is because of this. But of course, there are a lot of other reasons as well. Sorry for my grammer in this, I am not trying to write a paper I am sharing my thoughts, fears, etc.

I have pretty much had anxiety all my life. I can remember a time when I was very young that I had seen a girl on TV with cancer. I remember thinking I would get it as well. I am pretty sure I was born with this. Although, I am adopted, my mother now was somewhat of a worry-wart. My birth mother on the other hand deals with depression. Maybe that is were I get some of these feeling of doom.

Right now, I really have never experience anxiety at the level I am experiencing it now. Three months ago I did an egg donation for a couple. It really was the worst mistake I have ever made. I made this choice because I have 2 healthy boys and needed a little money (who doesn't want that). I also was in a good time in my life. I was healthy and strong. I wasn't struggling with anxiety then. After the egg donation, I started taking birth control a month later. This is when it all started happening. I became scared something was wrong with me, or that I would get a serious illness that I would die. I would think the worst of the worst. I would then go to google and type in symptoms I am feeling and of course cancer would come up on all of them. I then seemed to gradually take on the symptoms I was reading about and worrying about. It was like my mind was creating these symptoms I am having.

I became obsessed with this. I first thought I had colon cancer and was dying. I would go to the bathroom 50-60 times a day and wipe my bottom to make sure there was no blood there. I checked my stools all the time in the toilet convinced I was going to see blood, or something I had read on the internet about the symptoms of colon cancer. Well, guess what, I went to the bathroom one time and I did see a speck of bright red on some mucus in the toliet! I now knew I had something wrong with me! Turns out, it was a hemmroid…but in my mind, I still think the worst and still do.

Then it moved on from having that to having one abnormal pap smear. I was so scared…I looked on the interent (of course) and saw that HPV causes anal cancer. Now I think I have that. I went to my ob-gyn and sat there expressing my fears of this cancer. I am scared I have all the symptoms. She looked at my anus and said it looks fine, just a small hemmroid down there. She even said my cervix was going to be fine, no big changes. But I am a hard headed and stubbern girl. I don't even believe my doctor. I constantly feel like something is down my butt crack and sometimes (not often) I feel as if I need to shit and nothing comes out. More often then not, that feeling is released by gas or stool. I do have regular BMs. Its just crazy….I also am constantly clinching my anus tight and I don't even know it. Its like someone who clinched there jaw, but its my pelvic floor muscles. Its really annoying. I tell myself I will not do it, but I end up doing it. I'm sure this can cause problems with my butt in general. It really needs to stop.

I really need help. I am now taking lexapro, I have only been taking it for 4 days. I still feel my anxiety is strong and real. I am still convinced I have some type of disease. I really need help. I can't live this way, I;m 24 years old!!!!


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