This blog is more about me sharing some of my theories about some of my problems in an attempt to see if these theories have any merit.

The issue at hand is my reluctance/disdain of starting on a new education.

I'd like to apologize beforehand if I unintentionally hurt anyone's feelings with my, no doubt rash, exclamations and short-sighted conclusions, but understand that I cannot look back at my personal educational history without becoming enraged for multiple reasons, and there's no way around it: rage will affect the tone and manner in which I write as well as affecting my judgment.

It's ironic really. As a child, I used to love learning new things. It opened up new aspects of the world to me, inspired me and it alleviated the deadly boredom I experienced in my spare time back then.

So I went to school and loved the experience of receiving answers to many questions, learning exciting new abilities and the possibilities those opened up. What I didn't like was that most of my fellow children were @ssholes and never ever gave me a break, no matter how much I tried to appease the sadistic little sh]ts.

I've since learned that envy is a common cause for such behaviour. It doesn't lessen my hatred towards them though. Envy is supposed to encourage you to do better, not betray your fellow man.

So I made it to High School, but by now, I was scared sh(tless of strangers around my own age. Preferred to be around familiar faces, because people I knew, I could easier predict. But, I told myself that "hey, this is High School! Only the smartest get in here – it'll be better"

No it wouldn't be. And High School proved, in some ways, far worse.

When the teachers who have been given the responsibility of other people's kids (and say what one might say, if you're left with 30 or so teenagers, you automatically have responsibility for their well-being, even if your primary objective is to teach these little brats stuff), set you up for destructive humiliations without a care about how it will affect you, you lose all trust in the authorities of this society.

When I started High School, I had kept myself withdrawn and isolated from other people for three years. I thus did not understand the notion of "laughing with someone". So, I noticed rather quickly a certain, disturbing discrepancy in the behaviour of my fellow High School teenage sh[ts.

When someone else answered a teacher's question incorrectly, nobody bat an eye. As soon as >I< answered a question incorrectly, everybody and their f#c%&{g mother laughed their teeth off. I actually called everyone on it once during a music class. I did so very politely, I recall: "I don't think it's very nice of you to laugh at me, would you please stop!"

My evidently incompetent retard of a music teacher then started lecturing me about how they weren't laughing "at" me, but "with me", a concept entirely alien to me at a time. All I saw and understood was that I made a mistake and everybody BUT me thought it was funny. They were evidently laughing at me, an action considered by yours truly to be a serious crime, yet the authorities chose to punish ME for daring to complain about it, while shielding the real culprits from my well-justified wrath!?

How could they be laughing WITH me, when *I* wasn't laughing myself!?!?

The only conclusion I could reach from that was that I was apparently stupid, had broken some unseen rule and thus deserved to die. And no, this was one of the more "harmless" crimes committed against me by one of my teachers. I could excuse that teacher with simply not using her damned eyes properly.

The others, there's no excuse for. Their actions were wanton abuse of power, an action inexcusable for a teacher. Those who know me well enough have agreed with me on this notion, so I see no reason to go into detail with these humiliating experiences here.

So I graduated, but was left in a state of shock, because I had no damned clue what would become of me now.

I've always been scared of the steps required to get a job; you approach a complete stranger, whom you cannot possibly predict and know anything about. Then you basically have to boast about how awesome you are (an action I consider despicable, selfish and the hallmark of only self-centered jerks, hence I cannot do it without feeling absolutely disgusted with myself) and you have to present yourself as if you believe in it yourself.

At least at exams, there's *one* person present that you know and feel comfortable around (even if they've proven themselves complete jerks in the past), you haven't got that privilege at a job interview and without the comfort of a well-known factor, I lose anything resembling calmness and concentration.

I subconsciously knew about this since late childhood, so I just wanted to postpone the terrible day when I'd be forced to get a job.

So I desperately looked for a new education to sink my teeth in.

Unfortunately, the deep depression I'd developed as a result of "my failures" in High School and a conviction that no matter what I did, people would STILL laugh at me, torture me, slowly kill me, killed any sort of work motivation I used to have, so why bother trying?

You can try to appease your teachers/tutors by doing all the damned homework (physically impossible on a higher education because you're supposed to "learn to prioritize" between homework), but they'll still screw you over in the end. The other students, for some retarded reason, hate anyone who works their body to pieces (there it is again, the damned envy) and will only treat you with anything resembling basic respect if you lower yourself to their despicable level (over my dead body!!!).

I took a higher education, but found it impossible to attack it with the same vigor I had attacked my High School education when I started on that. I found the tutors and fellow students arrogant (with the exception of one young lady, who to this day has remained my best friend off the internet), and the work uninteresting, soul-draining and ultimately wasted because there's so much of it and the damned tutors will still fry your behinds if you show up unprepared for your lessons. Bastards.

So I wasted three years, killing my own desire to learn, murdering my love of reading non-fiction (to this day, I can't keep my attention on non-fiction very long, without getting enraged). Oh yah, my final exam at that wretched place also turned out with a poor result, shattering my pride (used to get very high marks back in previous school environments) and confirming the notion that I was "useless".

So in a nutshell, I don't want to start on a new education because:

1. Higher education tutors are likely arrogant bastards with no clue about how to instill students with a desire to actually learn their stuff. There probably are some that do, but why should I risk it if only a handful are useful tutors?

2. Most students these days have no sense of honor, respect for their fellow student and no understanding that some people are different. Oh yeah, there are always a small handful of decent people around, but their voices are drowned out by all the criminal sh)ts, WHOM THE DAMNED AUTHORITIES DON'T EVEN PUNISH as they very well should.

3. Higher educations fail to understand that it is desire that drives the student and helps them learn stuff. I could potentially learn ten times as much in a couple months by doing research on my own at my own pace, as I could during a full year at a place like that. So these educations instead stress and overburden students and most of the stuff that the students are fed won't stick, because the students are slowly being rattled to pieces by the stress and anxiety disorders that inevitably ensue.

4. I can't both work and study at the same time – I had no work at the time I took my higher education, yet I simply did not have the energy (or even time) to do ALL the damned homework. Nowadays I have a full-time job and I have no choice really, because there would be no other way to pay the expenses I have. Taking an education now, will just rattle me to pieces and I wouldn't learn anything from it, due to stress, memory and concentration issues.

Some people have suggested I try an art education, the idea being that artists are generally more intelligent and that it would be something I'd enjoy.

Well, my observations (from poking around, asking questions and generally experiencing a few things myself), is that some artists are so damned proud of themselves, that as soon as you do better than they do, they put your art piece down. If you fire back and criticize their lack of useful criticism, they'll just respond: "So, you can't take criticism? Wuss!"

Secondly, even art based educations most likely requires you to read truckloads of boring, uninspiring stuff about art theory, analysis and interpretation of art pieces (for the record, I hate abstract art because it has no meaning to me and looks more like a bad excuse for an art piece than anything that has any real meaning – instant fail grade).