Something bad happened friday night. I’m not sure I want to go into details, I feel humiliated enough, but it involved a guy I have been hooking up with and one of my close friends. It really eats at me. I feel like, what do I do to let people treat me this way? My friend doesn’t understand, his actions raised her self esteem while they left mine in tatters….even if we were all drunk.
I just hate thinking people are like that, that I’m destinded to fall for the Tucker Maxes of College for my entire school career. I’m tired of incincere people. I know what I want, I’m not afraid to say it, if that’s not what you want….leave me alone. Don’t toy with me. Playing along…if that’s what it is, feels like the ultimate disrespect. You are denying me closure, I would never do that to another person just to suit my own narcissim or whims.
I feel like, I was not______enough. Whatever_____is. Things are better with "friends" but, still not close. Friday made things worse, but….just for me….internally. I just want someone to care about me. I care so much about what others are feeling…too much sometimes. I want to give but in the end no one has my back. I don’t expect it, but I long for it, hoping to be worthy of….I don’t know, someone giving a damm.
For a second I thought things could be so simple, now I feel like my foundation has crumbled. Cannot trust boy, cannot trust friends, cannot trust roommates. I have problems sleeping. Last night I took a xannax and three muscle relants in the hope they would help me sleep. Sorta worked, I think. Want to mix all the pills but will not, will keep on trucking, but I think to myself, when will all this pain be enough? Haven’t I suffered enough? Can’t I have something taken off my plate?