This is to the boy who grew into a man who loved me since i was a girl.
You were my first love. I got butterflies from when we bumped into each other in the hallways. I was so insecure with the way you bought me gifts. Gifts for valentines day, birthday gift, and little good luck charms. Little did i know how much that bond meant to you. I was so scared with the way you loved me. I wasnt ready. I was only fourteen. You were the first kiss on the lips that meant something to my heart. You were the strong hands that made me feel safe. The skin the smelled so fresh, clean and so sweet. From what I remember all the effort you put into the years when we knew each other i took that for granted. That friendship and bond that I was really needing. Somehow i knew i was broken when i turned away from you to be with someone else when i was younger. For that i am sorry.
Two boyfriends later you still manage to be apart of my life. Sitting with me when I was alone with no friends. I was a crappy person. I didnt let people control me, I didn’t let people’s ideas run my life, I saw a bigger picture. While i was doing that I wasted my precious time. Not being thankful for all the times you tried to make me laugh. All the times you have tried to bring down my walls. I am sorry. You knew i had other boyfriends and yet that never stopped you from walking up to me with no problem. How did you have that courage? You walk up to me smiling that smile, walking that dorky walk and with your mancho voice saying”hey”. That voice was also one of my weakness.
Now i am 24 years old i didnt see you for 3 years. The last time we were together you tried to love me. Fix me again like you always do. Im planning to get married but the man i am with now comes no where near how close i am too you. Even though our last encounter was im sure a heartbraking one for you. I’m so sorry. If i could turn around at that moment and say lets take this slow i would have. If you didnt come when I was broken and lost i wish i was different. I look back you LOVED ME. You sincerely loved me but I knew you deserve better than what I had. I felt like i didnt deserve someone like you and now you are all i think about. I dont know what it means but from time to time i have dreams about you. I dream about how we met in the hallways not saying a word just a hug and a smile. made my nerves act a certain way. I dont know what difference this will make if i could ever tell you what i know. I wanna ask these questions?
why did you keep coming back and finding me?
What was it that you couldnt just let go of me and forget me?
Did it hurt everytime I said we couldnt try again?
How did you push through the pain that I caused you?
When we broke up do you remember what I said to you?
Why did you put yourself through all that misery?
Did you ever look at me differently?
What do have to say to me now?
Im 24 years old now… we are adults now living our own lives and now im thinking and regretting. but all i can do is just keep moving forward. hopefully our paths will cross again. Hopefully you dont have a family of your own because you should know I cant have kids.. I wonder if that will matter to you.
I really do love you but I cant change all the times i hurt you. That why I know you are better off where ever you are in this world.. I am truly deeply sorry..