I was in a relatively good mood today.
Actually, when The Phobos (that's me!) is in a "relatively good mood", all it means is that he's just not feeling really craptacular – but he can still have occasional angry or sad thoughts, but not to the point of ruining his ability to work or take some small initiatives – he did get some house chores done in the morning after all and he did carry out some physical training too…
Ok, back to addressing myself in the first person…
Today, we had an employee meeting. I hate employee meetings.
Well… most of them that is. There was a period of time where they were actually enjoyable, social experiences, but they've relapsed to those bothersome wastes of 1½ hour that never fail to convince me that I'm really a dumb 8 year-old hidden in a grown man's body.
Ok, issue 1:
I have social anxiety. That means it takes a considerable effort of will to actually "discuss" anything with my superiors, so I pretty much never voice suggestions and rarely ever voice criticism (only if it's extremely relevant). It also hampers my ability to small talk, when there are several people present, which there usually is.
I have a stress condition that's very similar to Post-Traumatic Stress disorder (have exactly the same basic symptoms, albeit possibly reduced in some cases).
This means that I have short-term memory and concentration problems. Latter issue causes me to "tune out" whenever a point being discussed is something I'm largely aware of already. Basically, if I have a feeling that the subject is largely unimportant, I automatically lose the ability to actively concentrate on what's being said.
Ideally, I should still pay attention just in case there are some new things to take into consideration to add to my existing knowledge, but I find this excrutiatingly tough to do as it requires me to actively "tell myself" to >listen dammit!<.
Being in an environment with a number of people occasionally getting eager and talking across each other at the same time, triggers another PTSD symptom called "noise sensitivity", which causes me to "tune out" and further lose concentration (in some cases, it gets almost psychically painful).
End result: Getting exhausted long before the damned meeting is over.
My PTSD problems have caused me learning problems in the past and occasionally, I run into words, phrases, things that any adult person should know at my age. That is any "normal" adult person. Because I may have been told about this stuff in school, but because of another PTSD symptom that causes concentration problem whenever something outside the ordinary is introduced, I wasn't able to properly absorb that knowledge.
So being bit in my behind by this problem when all these flashy terms are thrown about unfailingly causes me to get massively depressed because I get the feeling "I'm not a real adult" or "boy, I'm so stupid! What am I doing here?"
Guess I better haul myself together and research those words and phrases and figure out what they actually mean. Oh wait….WHAT were those words and phrases again?….
We keep getting told the same damned things at these employee meetings. They keep beating the dead horse with the same damned rules and how important it is to follow these.
I know these rules are important that's why I always endeavour to follow them toooooo the letterrrr!
Now please stop slapping me in the face with them all the time. Trying to follow those rules just isn't fun when you keep getting "told off". I know there are new colleagues that need to know that stuff. I know there are colleagues who still don't get it.
I know it's important to repeat these rules, but it doesn't change the fact that it demoralizes me and sucks my desire to work out of me.
I get damned depressed and get lots of reminders of other, similar situations in my past that were miserable experiences. My thoughts drift to old classmates and other, old acquaintances and I return to my vicious cycle of "they're probably waaay ahead of me – why can't I grow up?!?!"
Bah! Sometimes I just hate being me… *goes into a brief rage*
I really want to write a positive blog for a change, but it'll have to be postponed yet again (don't have any ideas for a positive blog at the moment)…