I've reached out today.  But I feel there's nothing there except my reach.  It's difficult to know how to describe this feeling — you can't prevent the feeling you know something, but it's just not tangible it's just in the air surrounding you.

I look around me and say to myself, "I need to fold the laundry." — "I need to wash dishes." —– "I need to do……I need to do —- it drives me to despair.  I crave the energy "to do" — the "care to do" — the drive to do.  I feel stuck, and I hate the feeling.  I just can't seem to act on what I know needs to be done.  It's crazy, it's overwhelming sometimes.

I've been able to get to work, at least.  

I feel conflicted about being on this site — am I on here too much?  Am I focusing on others more than I should be?  Am I using the site to avoid doing what I need to do in my own life?  But, I love helping people — it's what I do for a living.  And it does help me get outside of myself.

Elusive reaching —- I can't hold the air in my hands — I can feel the wind blow my hair, but I can't see the wind.  Mama, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Bob, Uncle Ted —- are you floating around me?  Can you see me, but I can't see you. You can touch me, but I can't feel you?  Maybe it's the touch of the breeze that is your hand brushing my cheek, running your fingers through my hair.

I will come back …….

A place to write what's in my heart hoping that someone will read it.  It's sad but I believe they're are people on this site who really do play cruel games with peoples' hearts.  How utterly cruel to hurt someone on a depression web site — how utterly cruel.  It makes me so sad, so very sad.  It breaks my heart!