I joined this group after months of cutting myself off from all loved ones. I was hoping that since I don\’t have much support, being alone would bring me peace. I was so wrong..
I am on medication for anxiety and depression, but I have never felt worse. I feel numb, and zombie-like. I am just going through the motions. I am not who I used to be. How do I fix this? Who am I anymore? Will I ever be me again? These are some of the questions that keep me up at night.
The self-harming does not bring me peace anymore. I feel like I deserve it now. I could be a much better daughter. At 20 years old, I should be better off than where I am now. I should have friends. I should be happy. What is wrong with me?
Binge eating…most people do not see it as an eating disorder. Although I have not met the frequency criteria for Binge Eating Disorder, I suffer from binge eating almost daily. I feel so weak. I have no control. I am disgusting. I am fat. I am a failure.
So many people tell me that being a college student is supposed to be like this. I have a hard time believing that. I am not supposed to question my existence. I am not supposed to want to carve into my skin or end my life. I am not supposed to want to hide away from everyone. This does not feel right.
The Canadian band Marianas Trench has been a light in my darkness. I highly recommend listening to Alibis. It hits home for me.
I am sorry this is all over the place. My brain just is not where I wish it was. I hope joining this group will help find some hope in me.