I am trying to figure out how to get through my days. Went to see the doctor yesterday. What she couldn't understand is how I can be so unhappy when my life sounds pretty good. Which is so true. Most people would give anything to have the life I have. I have a good job, a nice car, just bought a house, a carrying boyfriend and a loving son. But I can't see the good in any of that. Why because each are carries a negative with it that I can't control.
Here's how life goes for me, I left a relationship of 12 years and moved out. It looks as though I left my son because I left the house he knew as his home. But I didn't. I would give anything to have my son more than 50% of the time. However for some reason his dad decided he wanted to start caring about his son the minute I decided to leave. When I get my son I am to depressed and tired to give him the attention he needs. I feel as though I am a bad mom. I don't want to be a bad mom.
I met my boyfriend 4 months ago. The first month we got along great. He did everything in his power to see me and talk to me on the phone. I was also still in the process of moving out from my old house. So to me it seemed as though it was a thrill factor involved since I was still living with my ex when we met. Then he got into a car accident and everything changed. He went from finding ways to see me and talk to me to seeing me 1 day a week and talking to me via text more than anything. Just recently did he start calling me on his way home from work. He too struggles with bi-polar and depression. We love each other but I am in fear that our depression is feeding off each other and causing more problems. He has a possessive roommate that needs his undivided attention. I don't know how much more I can feel like I am second best. I don'tknow how to talk to him about this. We promised to talk to each other about everything but if I bring up not seeing him as much as I want, we will fight. Plus he works night turn (3 /12's) which doesn't help the situation.
I need to start and pretend he doesn't exist and not depend on him so much. that is the only way I will be able to survive this relationship until he can figure out in his head what he wants more. The reason I want to stay in this relationship is because he can understand me.No oneelse would be able to understand this depressive state I am in.I am at a lose and justwant to run away.