It has been hard for me lately. Right now I feel empty. I feel like there is a black hole just eating everything in my heart that I love. It’s hard to focus as well.

I’m hoping to find a small community here to help me and make connections with again. I feel like in my life I am friendless. I have friends, but they’re not close connections. I have childhood emotional neglect (undiagnosed), where my parents helped with my physical needs but not my emotional needs. All of this because a giant ball of stuff that I feel hurts me. Why I’m here is because I don’t know what to do at times. Even more so I don’t have anyone in my life. I have trouble caring about things. With no one around me, I also feel like I’m nobody. I don’t matter. Once I disappear, life moves on without me. I stopped being someone to someone. I’m the unnamed character in the novel. I’m unattractive. I’ve never had a partner. And people who meant something to me has left me. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. So I feel I’m alone, with no support.

I’m also a big gamer, and I’ve used games to help me numb the pain. I read a lot of stuff to understand the things I’m going through. At the moment though, I just feel like all those things stop mattering. Everything is slowly just feels like they don’t matter to me anymore. Why should I do anything? It’s a hard thing to feel joy. I just know I feel sort of unloved. I’ll stop myself here because this can spiral.