So today was the last day for the fall session at the stables I volunteer with, so I got a good work out running around with Nahauni (the horse I've been working with the past 8 weeks), so I got in some good exercise. I've been today so far I think. I've only eaten a bowl of mushroom rice. My mom made hamburgers and fries for dinner, gruh. I think I may eat half a burger and a few fries…but even that seems like too much.

Anyway, I FINALLY got a hold of my friend this morning. She apparently didnt see any of my calls until one that I made last night and she figured that since it was 8 she wouldn't call back. And she apparently meant that she'd only call to hang out if she decided to get a consultation for her tatoo that she wants, then I could've come with her. I did make it clear to her that that's not what she initally said to me, and she apologized.

I dunno, she's so wrapped with this new boyfriend of hers. I'm really happy for her, don't get me wrong…and he is really a nice guy. She even says that this time it's so different from all the other relationships she's had, so you never know, he could be the one. But I just wish that she'd remember to keep me in mind. Like, he's ALWAYS at her house, which is cool, but…I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're going to make plans with me, stick to them and it'd be nice to have a girls night once in a while.

Does it sound like I'm expecting too much?

I think another thing that's bothering me about all this is now I'm officially the only one out of all my friends who isn't in a relationship. It feels like highschool all over again. To be honest, I've never been in a real relationship before and I'm pretty much completely innocent and that makes me feel so pathetic considering I'm 24 years old. Like, I'm not sitting here pining over the fact that I'm single, but it does get to me. I try very hard to act like it doesn't bother me, but as soon as I take one moment to think about it, my heart starts to break. I think one of the hardest things is to not have any idea what it's like to love someone and have them love you back, to not know what it's like to hold hands and just cuddle. It just really, really hurts. It makes me feel like I'm unable to be loved. I look around me and see all types of people in relationships…girls who are bigger than me, thinner than me, angrier than me, more depressed than me, and I have to wonder…why can all of these people find someone, but I can't? What is so awful about me that people just seem to be repelled by me.

I swear I don't think about this all the time. In fact I'm either too busy to think about it, or it just doesn't bother me. But like I said, in those few moments where I do think about…boy does it hurt.

Wow that was a longer rant than I thought it was going to be. Anyway, I hope you all out there are doing good. <3


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