I'm scared. I'm depressed to the point that I'm seriously considering hurting myself or doing something worse. I just want to take all the pills I have and be done with all of it. I don't feel like I can cope anymore.
There's no one to talk to. Not that won't direct me to hospitalization anyhow, and that's not an option. I refuse to do that again. It didn't do me any good last time and cost us a ton of money for nothing. A one night stay.
I've been in severe emotional turmoil since Sunday when everything happened with Zachary and Corey. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help my son, or to help Corey. I feel so damned powerless and sick because I failed at my one important job, protecting my child. If there were anything I could give to turn back the clock and prevent it from happening I would. But you can't undo what's been done.
I called out of work last night for my shift today. I just can't do it. I can't make myself face people right now in this state of mind. I'm at a point where if they want to fire me they can ~ I just don't care anymore. I'm a failure anyhow, so who gives a sh*t?
My husband doesn't know I stayed home today, but I really don't care if he'll be angry or not. We had a massive fight last night ~ and let's just say we're barely speaking to each other. I flipped out on him over something snide that he said, and that was it; everything that's been boiling inside of me for the past week now blew up in his face. I let him have it for all of the stress that he caused me when he pissed off my Mom so badly that she wouldn't speak to me at all, and told him I was tired of his selfish behaviors and the lack of equality in our relationship. He seems to feel it's my DUTY to take care of the house, cook and clean, do the laundry and the dishes because he brings home the money. That since I don't work much that I owe that to him. When he gets home he immediately sitson his butt in front of the tv and stays there until dinner is on the table, and the only thing he says at dinner is to bitch at our son about something he's doing wrong. Then he goes back to sitting in front of the tv until it's time for us to go downstairs to get ready for bed. He takes a shower and usually resumes watching tv down there.Screw me needing good sleep, it doesn't really matter. It's all about him.
Then in the morning he wakes me up expecting me to give him sex. Every morning it's the same thing, unless he's running late or I'm sleeping on the couch. The only reason I didn't sleep on the couch last night was because I had Zachary sleep downstairs on his extra bed in our room, and he and I went to bed at 8.I left Aaron upstairs to stew in his own pot. Even THIS morning he had the gall to try to get me to have sex with him. I just ignored him and rolled over.
Yesterday, awhile after our fight he came to me and wanted to make up. But it wasn't about admitting that he was selfish, he just wanted things to be back tonormal. "I'm sorry I upset you", he said. "I don't want to fight like this," he said. No "I'll try to think about everyone else" or"I'll try to change my behaviors that upset you"…no, no ~ he would never say that.
He's so damn inconsiderate! If he wants something we can find a way to afford it, but he tells me that we're broke all of the time. Just like the couch my Mom loaned me the money for ~ I've been lookingfor2 YEARS for one like this to come along within our financial reach and he fought meevery single step of the way. Nevermind thathe spends $50a week on going out to lunch everyday, which is what the couch cost us. But now I'm supposed to feel like I owe him for allowing me to buy that. Because in his mind, we'renot equals.The money he brings in is not ours, it's really HIS. Anything I want to spend money on, (and I'm very thrifty with money) I have tohave HISapproval for first or I get yelled at when he sees that I bought something, even if it'sonly $10 worth of groceries. And he has to know exactly what I spent the money on. But I don't question him…
Then there's the fact that Zach's molestation is bringing up memories and feelingsregarding what happened to me and I'm not coping with it well. It's brought it back more vividly than I can remember in years…and I thought I was over this. Somehow my pain is magnified by what my son went through, and I feel sickened by the fact that I didn't stop it from happening, that I should have known something was wrong, that he's just a little boy and such ugliness was one of the things ISWORE he would never have to endure. That I wouldalways protect him fromharm, bad people, andbad things. But I realize now that I can't ~ I'monly one person and I can'tbe everywhere at once.
More than anythingI want to pack my bags and one for Zach, grab him from camp,leave a note for myMom and justtake off to somewhere else for awhile. Shut off mycellphone completely,pull cash from the bankso my purchases can't be traced, and just go. Maybe getting away forawhile will help, a change of scenery, a change of pace, some time away from Aaron. We wouldn't have to go far, just far enough that he wouldn't look forus. And be away just long enough to scare the hell out of him. Maybe then things would change.
But I won't do it.I can't take Zach away from his grandma and Dad like that.And financially there's no way I could do it. It would also tear this household apart. And I know that running away isn't going to solve anything at this point; itwill only make it worse in the end.
I need some time to think, so time to calm down, some time to be away from him somehow.Even if it's just a day or two.
Well, at leastthe urge to hurt myself has lessened. I'm going totry to call a friend that I can talk to honestly about all of this. Maybe she can help me.