Feeling a bit lost and out of touch.
I recently moved to a new country. It’s nice, it’s smaller and quieter. I have my parents and sisters with me who are the most important to me, but I miss my friends and the rest of my family.
Everyone seems to be settling in well. Dad loves his job and has a huge circle here, one of his best friends lives here too. Mums becoming close to dad’s friends’ wives and she’s met a lot of people. My sisters like their new school, they’ve also made friends and are doing well.
I’m currently job hunting, the employment situation for graduates isn’t great here, it’s difficult to find an entry level position with the very little opportunities. I had such high hopes, the possibilities seemed endless, but after actually coming here I feel like I’ve been slapped right across the face.
I don’t go school, I don’t go work, there’s no one around my age amongst the people my family know, so I don’t know anyone outside home.
When I moved here, I spent all my time worrying about my family. I felt so scared and anxious that they wouldn’t be happy here, that they would be lonely. We gave up a lot to move here and I didn’t want anyone to have regrets. I wanted them to be happy. Every day, this fear circled my mind and made its way around my whole body. I still worry and hope things continue to go well for my loved ones… but somewhere along the way I caught a glimpse of myself. I’m lonely. I’m scared.
They ask are you happy, I don’t even think about how I feel, it’s an automatic yes. I don’t want them to see how I really feel and I don’t know why. I feel like a loser, unemployed and friendless. I’m sad. I know it’ll be okay, I know things will get better, I know I have to stay strong and hang in there, but what about right now? In this moment, every day I feel like I’m slipping a little more.
Everyone else is building their life here, but I just I don’t know. I feel useless, I can’t do anything.
It’s hard to talk to people back home. I feel embarrassed of myself and the situation I’m in. I can’t face them. So much has changed with this move, there’s some people who I feel more distant to, there’s some people I find myself avoiding. I don’t want to lose anyone I love, but there’s something inside me, I try to fight against myself but I feel like I physically cannot face them.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do. There comes a point where it’s difficult to fake a smile. I practise in front of the mirror, if I can’t believe it then who will, I have to be convincing. I’m the mood maker, the one that always laughs, the one that is always talking, the light-hearted goofy one yet the one who takes care of everyone… so if I act slightly out of character, if I’m a little quiet, they’ll see me, and I can’t have that. Sometimes I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.