entry 3 – ok so im upset! a few weeks ago i hurt my back, i slipped a disk and trapped the nerved in my lower spine. i was supposed to rest and take it easy but couldnt because jen (my wife) wasnt able to do much herself so being the marter that i am i struggled on and pushed through it. now today i have taken a bouncy castle out, not a particularly difficult drop this one but for some reason my back is really hurting?!
so why am i upset? well because after telling jen she doesnt seem bothered. im worried that i will end up laid up again hardly being able to move and sort the girls out, but more importantly is it a more long term thing with the bouncy castles? will i be able to continue with them? and all she is bothered about is that i dont interupt her night watching tv and on the computer by asking her to go to our daughters at all!
i thought this might make me angry but infact it just makes me sad, i just feel like the hired help in my own home, im just the one there to do all the work. for a few weeks now iv been up late till between 1 and 2 and then having to get up in the night with the girls, and then getting up with them in the morning also. i feel shattred like i need sleep all the time! and it doesnt help that we are trying to watch heroes (the tv program) together in an attempt to be more couply (sorry i know thats not a real word) but i keep falling asleep during them! which is upsetting jen and she gets mad at me, i just cant stay awake for love nor money its like i have no control over it at all!
so am i upset at her? no, im upset at myself. i have come to realise that it is the years of her having to put up with my moods and anger and all the swings from one mood to the next that has pushed her away from me and thus a greater importance has been placed on watching heroes and thats why she gets upset at me and also that the years of trying to deal with me has made her tired and un emotional towards me!
so its all my fault! and as i seem to be waking up more (leveling out my moods) i am becoming less self centred and more aware of other peoples feelings around me and just how much damage i have done jen more than most!
and i cant say sorry enough i just hope i can make it up to her 🙁