What's the hardest step to growing up: I think it's swallowing your pride.

Hi, My name is Crystal, and I have a pride issue.

I have done the same stupid things over and over and over again all because of pride. I have locked myself away from the world all because of pride. I have become insecure because of pride. It sounds kind of ironic, doesn't it?

Maybe that's why it's taken so long for me to catch it.

I have this really close-minded point of view, and I have an issue with bending even a little. Actually, it's so bad, that I probably disagree with people just to disagree. It's like I'm trying to prove something, but I always end up being the idiot.

I feel bad, because there's a lot of good people out there, and I treat them like shit, just because I can. Even people on this site… I just HAVE to believe that I am all-knowing. Like, is that immature or what?

Because I started thinking about it, and I was like, you know, if I knew someone who acted the way that I act I would probably hate them. But people are still so nice to me. I feel really bad for that.

I just wish I knew who I was. I wish I didn't get jealous just because someone says something funnier than me, or because someone else is cooler than me.

But another thing I've started to realize is that I'm not a bad person. I keep telling myself over and over again how horrible of a person I am. But I'm just confused and lost and insecure. I honestly have no idea how to not be insecure. But I sorta know how I became insecure, and that's a start. Thinking about it, I realize that I have always had really awesome friends and family, and when I was with them they made me feel good, so I was happier and I didn't look like a zombie all the time. Not to say that you should only be good to those whom are good to you. Or not exactly. The point is, I left my friends and family for this boyfriend I always talk about. I must be such a loser to do something so inconsiderate. And me and Zach (my boyfriend) were really good friends and so I just decided I wanted to leave everyone and go live with him. It was great at first, but I soon later realized that I was simply not ready for somethign that serious. Now I struggle because of that. I think we could've made it together if we had taken our time with it instead of rushing things. But he was a great friend until I moved in and realized how immature he was. I am a hypocrite because I am also really immature but I'm at least TRYING. I wash clothes, I wash dishes, I clean up after myself and after others, even his own parents. They're kind of slobs. And they hate me. Or at least, they don't like me very much. His dad doesn't like me because I'm not mature enough, which I understand, because if I'm living with them I should be making plans to move out. I've had some setbacks. But I have a job now, and I'm making progress and as hard as I'm working, he probably won't ever be happy with me until I do finally move out. The funny thing is, his son doesn't have a job but that's okay for him, I guess because it's his son. I just need to get out of here. Zach is always putting me down. He supresses my personality. He doesn't ever want to help me. He just simply isn't boyfriend material. He's a great person, and I love hanging out with him. I just don't see myself actually being able to have a family with him. I've been with him for 2 years and he still doesn't have a job. He complained today about having to buy me some lotion. He never buys me anything. We never go on dates, ever. Mainly because he doesn't have a job. but he gets pain with financial aide. This time around he got $600. He already owes me $60 and I asked him to buy me lotion from wal-mart. I would've got the cheapest brand. He just couldn't stop complaining about it, so I just told him to forget about it. And now we're having this HUGE argument over it, and not speaking to each other, it's just so childish.

I'm rambling… sorry guys, I'm mostly doing this to vent, so there's no obligation to leave a comment or to even read this.

I just feel sooo lost. I don't know who I am, and I feel like, finally, I'm thinking about it realistically, and actually thinking about leaving Zach.

The only thing is, I'm scared. I don't know if, after I leave Zach, I'll be able to find anyone ever again, and what if I never find anyone and I end up being this weird lonely old woman, who has liek 20 cats, and believes in aliens lol, but seriously I don't want to be alone. I've felt alone for almost 2 years now, and I don't rather enjoy it. But something has to change. If not, then I'm just doing the same things over and over again expecting different results each time, which, if you didn't know, is the unofficial definition of stupidity.

I'm an adult now, and things are a lot different from when your a kid. Like, I actually have to make decisions myself! All on my own. Gosh, is it pathetic that that scares the shit out of me? I don't know how to make decisions. I don't even know how to file taxes. I'm soooo behind, but I mean, there's still hope, as long as I'm alive, I have a chance, and a choice.

I guess, all in all, I do believe that I can make it. I mean, I dont' think I deserve it especially, but I can do it. I'm not a bad person. I have to keep telling myself that. I do bad things, but I'm not a bad person. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone on this site, cuz sometimes I get into this mood where I have to try and prove a point but only end up putting my foot in my mouth, by saying things that I don't even mean.

I am officially exhausted, so I think I'm headed off to bed. I've got church in tha mornin'! Good night all and sweet dreams! =]

~Aspiretodream