I generally wake up between 11:00 am to 3:00 pm, depending if I'm working that day or not. Waking up is a tremendous struggle, I have trouble willingly leaving my bed. Head downstairs past my grandfather to shower. I always wash my hair but have trouble with the rest. I feel dizzy and cloudy alot. I'll spend about 20 mins sitting scrunched up in my shower, wishing I could stay home from work and crawl back in bed. I often have anxiety attacks during this time about my mom. We spend little time together and she's incredibly sad. For which I always feel completely responsible. Dress, fix hair, then back upstairs to wait for cab to go to work. Sometimes my brother rides with me depending on his work schedule. Smoke cigarette, drink a monster, then clock in. I'm a cook so generally I prep til 4 or so, then set my station up. I hate this job. My head chef is an ignorant monster. He treats everyone like dirt. Yelling and making spectacles of us. The job is mechanical for me now, I'm a good cook but he makes me hate it. Whenever possible I stay high there. Weed, adderall, pills, whatever. Get off work, smoke cigarette. Cab home. Spend time with my Mom if she's still up. She's always sad which makes me worse. Head to my room, and smoke more weed. Every night every night. I can't sleep without it. I watch and rewatch my DVDs, anything to placate my mind. Without weed I try to alcohol, but it makes me sick a lot and doesn't really help me sleep. On nights like tonight, I have nothing. My mind torments me with thoughts of my mom's/brothers sadness. I feel scared and empty. I've lost my identity because I've become a vessel to make others happy. I have no opinions, hopes, aspirations. I'm a living shell wishing for the day I cease to be. This is every day, every fucking day. I can't change, I feel to far gone to do so. I try but my fears and thoughts drive me to drugs. I feel very close to dying, to feeling peace. I hope something comes of this. As I've never been more honest or open in my life. I'm 21 but I still feel like a trapped kid.

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    You may need to leave home Josh. You may need to have issues like paying the rent, food and electricmbills to ground you. To give you a purpose for working.

    As for your mother, Have you taken her to the doctor for a diagnosis? To me it sounds like deep depression with perhaps some nutritional deficits. 

    If she is depressed, she can be helped. In the meantime, your self medication may well kill you.

    |
    0 kudos
  2. Rydia 8 years ago

    We are all here for you… I`m sorry that you are going through this…

     

    |
    0 kudos
  3. chez 8 years ago

     I know how you are feeling but we are all here for you and to help if we can message me anytime you need to talk please stay strong it does get better with prescription drugs and therapy self medicating could cause more damage.

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2020 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account