Well, usually when I blog on here it’s not good news and this is no exception. Sometimes triggers are something that Is overheard….through someone else’s conversation.. that might not even concern me. But the trigger today was directed directly towards me. It was destructive in it’s nature……. and I don’t care to share what it was….. I am not one to stay quiet when attacked…even if its small….don’t get me wrong I can take a joke………and insults amongst friends you know messing around teasing etc….. I used to be the type to just take it all in and bury it there. Grew up like that ever since a youngen until one day I had had enough.  Childhood years were a nightmare, but it’s sad to say that i wish i had that nightmare back…because at least there was a hope for a change….a hope that someday I’d find peace..happyness and all the rest. It’s hard to explain the fears , phobias, that I have suffered throughout the years… one becasue i woudlnt even know where to start..and two because I dont like the idea of people thinking that I am weak or vulnerable because of it. But along the way i figured id openly invite people to know about my weaknesses becasue by doing so they focus so much on them that my strengths get overlooked… so it keeps me a step ahead if you will. anywho… I remember as a kid never being able to defend myself because i never felt that i was worth defending. its like they were all telling me what i already knew….and what i heard whether it be in my head…or literally from my mother etc.  I look around and Im not sitting here saying hey pity me im worst off than all of you…. but I see that a lot of people even with all thier problems and crazyness…. manage to still LIVE. which i cannot do. Im talking the simplest of things..like … just enjoying nature. enjoying teh simplest things that this wonderful world has to offer…. i cant do it becasuse im imprisioned by my torture chamber…. i dont want to be seen…… old friends try to get in touch but i avoid at times because i dont want to feel the feeling of not having anything to say when they ask whats going on in ur life. even family even i love them with all my heart..and i wish i could be so different im sure they see me as cold and distant but they dont know or understand how i would so quickly lay my life on the line for them and be there through anythhing and everything ..but i cant even be there for the simplest moments..because of my prision..because of my fears.. because of my hatred for what my mind and this life has done to me. believe it or not i am not one of these people who thrive on misery and just oh woe is me eventhough thinngs arent really that bad… no… i wish i could get out of this..i wish i could be happy i wish… so much that i could do so many things but… even writing even just anything… my ocd and all the rest of the insanities of my mind convince me that i cant do *—————— you fill in the blank. it’s not like i dont have some abilities for somethings but they are immediately shot down by the killer of all my dreams. I dont take my pills i dont search for therapy asi should be ..because i almost feel like…what the heck good is it gonna do me ..im a lost cause. ive tried them before and ive always disapointed them …myself and everyone around me. I wish i could just do like a monk and just disappear for a looong time and be away from everyone and everything…but life doesnt allow that at this time. the extent of what goes on inside me tells me that i need intense help like to be put away for a while ….. evaluated…..intense therapy etc… but i cant afford to do that..especially with the way the economy is…. just gotta suck it up and try to fight through another day. And for the most part i distract myself from seeing all this as much as i am at the moment..but my distractions are’nt the healthiest or best for the soul for that matter.  I know there are people with worse to deal with than me…and i wish i had the heart that they do. I dont understand…..like why….. God allows so much suffering. I usually try to becareful wiht subjects and what i say because i dont want to irk anyone or offend and what not. And personally i feel so guilty with my life that i feel as if i deserve what has come my way. but this has been around since i was young enough to remember..did i deserve it then? i dont believe in reincarnation but sometimes i wonder…. did i do something so horrid in a past life that this is my destined curse….. or even maybe ancestors dark pasts might have caught up with me…. i dont know what to believe. My ocd is so entangled with religion and terrible thoughts and just sooo much complications that i dont know where to start..and the hard part is… im convinced that God has turned a deaf ear to me..because i am doomed to hell……….. its all intertwined with scrupolosity and its something that ive tried to bury ..but its still here. im not laying this on nobody…i just wish that i could have just a few years of my life..before my time is up …that i could live just a little bit………id trade away all the tvs and phones and hi tech non sense and just to be able to be a lil normal….normal is hard to fake………and just for now..im not faking it. i dont even cry anymore…maybe watery eyes but thats as far as it goes…i dont even feel that im worthy of tears…. cause i feel so dead and so hopeless…..a tortured mind……… is a prison without bail, without escape without rest..without peace……..and im just so tired of it.

1 Comment
  1. cari 11 years ago

    Aw, Ghos…I’m so sad for this pain you went through…wish I was on here when it was going on.  God has NOT turned a deaf ear to you.  He loves you more than you can ever imagine.  It is us who are so hard on ourselves.  I am the same way.  I know in my head that God loves me no matter what, but I still beat myself up (litterly the other night but normally figurally) for the sins that I commit.  I hate that I keep failing – that I can’t “stay good”.  (This is our OCD making us feel this way.)  But God doesn’t see it that way at all.  If you are His (and I think you are by how you talk) then He doesn’t see all your mistakes, He sees the beauty in you and in His son who stands beside you and calls you His friend and brother.  And you are fearfully and wonderfully made!  You are so precious to Him, His word says, “How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.” Psalm 139:17-18.  (NIV)  He loves you so much!  And He grieves with you in your pain…”For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 (NKJV)

    Why do we suffer so much?  Reincarnation, I don’t think so.  Sins of our ancestors…well in a way.  The Bible tells us that the pain in the world, the suffering, illness (including mental and our OCD) is due to the fallen state that our world is in – due to sin.  But it will not be like this forever.  We will have peace one day.  Those who are His will live in perfect peace, with Him and with eachother.  He will redeem this world, and take those who believe in Him to be with Him.  Then He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  That is our hope Ghos…we will not suffer forever.  And this life seems so terribly long when we are suffering, but in reality it is just a blink of the eye.  We do have more to look forward to.  Hang in there dear friend – brother. 

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