I could not sleep well today. I tried. I swear I am trying so very hard. I cant seem to be grateful for what I have. I should be grateful that I have a job. Yet no holidays off….no vacation days…..knowing I must work 40 hours a week every week of the year to keep insurance benefits…..Its something I try hard to not think about because I cant seem to deal with that right now.

I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head. I do hate that I cant get a real shower at home, that I cant do jumping jacks in my home because that would knock it off its stabilizers and it would roll down the hill. I do hate that it does not have air conditioning or really any running water. Today it was 94 in here most of the afternoon and that appears to just be too hot for sleeping (I work nights).

Its not very fun to have to worry about timing bowel movements for when I am not home because I cant afford to drain my sewer often and if I poo at home it doubles how soon I have to drain it. Right now I am trying to hold it for another two hours so I can go at work.

I want so badly to be grateful that I will get to see my husband and kids this weekend. All I feel though is dread. I am so tired already and I work two more 13 hour shifts…..then at the end of the last one I drive 3 hours home before I can sleep. I will have to drive back 24 hours later. That should be wonderful because I will get to see them but all I can see is exhaustion.

Work is scary as well. I should be so grateful that I have a good job and that its so close to my family (as opposed to others I applied for and previous ones). I worry though.I am expected to be the head of their department after 2-3 days training and sometimes the head of the whole unit. I am qualified to do my job but not really qualified to learn those two jobs in 2-3 days. There is no way that I will do everything right with that short of training. I will likely make many mistakes each time that I am assigned head of the department or unit. Maybe this wouldnt matter but it does to me because I hate not living up to what I need to do and peoples well being is tied into me doing a great job each and every time I go to work.

Why do I have depression? This would all be hard enough without that damn depression. I just want to not feel that I am drowning. I cant even see the surface, let alone get my head above it for a minute.

Why cant I do what is required of me? I am failing at every single thing that I have tried to do in recent memory. sigh, what do you do when failure isnt an option but there is no avoiding it?

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