Is there ever a time come when no one wants anything from you but to be who you are? Sometimes things just seem so freaking exhausting. Nothing is enough. Everyone wants something more than I have to give.
I am sitting here at work. I was generally doing ok – then I get a phone call from someone who is collecting money from me. Money that I quite obviously don't have. And now I have a headache again.
So – how does life get to this? Being able to count on one hand the people in the "real world" that you consider to be friends? Going to work and never getting ahead. Waking up everyday with some kind of headache or pain? Feeling like you can't talk about what I feel with anyone really?
Why is that? Why is it that I don't like people getting too close? My therapist always asks me if I am afraid of what others might see if they get too close? I have not necessarily felt like I didn't like who I am – I think I am a nice person with a good heart. I just don't believe in me. I don't believe in my ability to do this anymore. I mean look at how much I have managed to screw everything up already.
Who wants to be 31 – best friends (the ones I trust) are people I have never met. Barely like my husband (been more than 6 months). Family and I talk for 1/2 hour tops every few days. I go to bed almost every night by 8 PM because its just too hard to stay awake sometimes.
And yet – somehow the last couple of days – I don't feel all that rotten. Would have never guessed that based on the way all this is flowing out of me here.
I think maybe its just that this is NEVER where I wanted to be. I didn't want to be who I am. But I also don't know what I would rather be.
But I am sick of not feeling well. Who knows.