When entering mood above sad just doesnt seem to cut it at the moment.
So I've signed up to this site, not really sure what i'm expecting, maybe just to have somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings, somewhere to get them out into the 'open' without feeling like i have to burden my partner, friends or family. Maybe i'll be able to re-read them in the future and help myself learn.. maybe other people reading this can help… who knows!
So… I have been suffering with depressive episodes since i was 15 i think, I have been off and on anti-depressants, seen counsellors, and relatively recently finished seeing a psycho therapist, after about 3 years. I thought i was alot better but obviously i was wrong.
The last couple of weeks my mood has been very low, and I can go from being fine and happy to suddenly being anxious, self loathing, tearful, worried, wanting to hurt myself and wanting to run away from everyone and everything. My partner is very good but i get so angry that he can't make me happy and make it go away, even though i know he cant and that he wants to and tries his best. I get so angry and fustrated, I feel like a child having a tantrum, it doesnt seem fair that i get like this and i cant stop myself, its not fair that i try to loose weight but cant, its not fair that i apparently dont have the will power to fix myself. It's not fair that i try to eat healthily and love vegetables and fruit yet i see others eating shit loads of crap yet they're thinner than me.
It's just not fair that I get so low and don't seem to beable to pull myself out of it, I am so worried about pushing people away, about people leaving me, yet still i question and annoy them. I dont understand why anyone would want to be with me, yet i want to be adorded and desired, not just loved. This probably sounds so rediculous but its the truth.
Anyway i have a friend coming over to talk and try and help, fingers crossed she's not going to give up on me and leave.