I'm not good at writing blogs so I avoid doing it and read your blogs and try to identify my self with them but today I feel I have to talk to you. I've messed up today. It's my partners Birthday and I didn't have a present for him or a card to give it to him this morning as I was planning to give it to him this evening. He has a day of today so he kept sending me texts and emails saying how bad he feels that there wasn't even a card. I sympathized with him at first but after listening to him a little longer I felt angry and just didn't want to talk to him until I saw him earlier. We both went to pick the child up from school and fought all the way there, I was very very upset. I felt crazy and a psycho. I said words that I actually meant at that moment and he said words too. He made me feel bad and very stressed so I couldn't hold it in. He then kept telling me to be a little more gentle with his car and shouted at me which scared me and I hit him a few times in his arm. I didn't want for any of this to happen and to act as crazy as I did but it did happen and now I feel like not going home at all or giving any presents until tomorrow or another day. He gave me a present and I'm grateful for that and I also ordered a present for him but it never arrived. I'm so disappointed in my self yet again and I just wish I wasn't around. I'm not good to anyone like this especially to the kids. I try my best to keep my mood under control around them but my partner has a way of provoking me at times. I'm not sure how this will sound to you and I'm ashamed to even write it. I feel like a monster and that's what he brings in me sometimes. Maybe I do really hate him even though I wish I could always feel love for him and have more patience for him.