I'm not good at writing blogs so I avoid doing it and read your blogs and try to identify my self with them but today I feel I have to talk to you. I've messed up today. It's my partners Birthday and I didn't have a present for him or a card to give it to him this morning as I was planning to give it to him this evening. He has a day of today so he kept sending me texts and emails saying how bad he feels that there wasn't even a card. I sympathized with him at first but after listening to him a little longer I felt angry and just didn't want to talk to him until I saw him earlier. We both went to pick the child up from school and fought all the way there, I was very very upset. I felt crazy and a psycho. I said words that I actually meant at that moment and he said words too. He made me feel bad and very stressed so I couldn't hold it in. He then kept telling me to be a little more gentle with his car and shouted at me which scared me and I hit him a few times in his arm. I didn't want for any of this to happen and to act as crazy as I did but it did happen and now I feel like not going home at all or giving any presents until tomorrow or another day. He gave me a present and I'm grateful for that and I also ordered a present for him but it never arrived. I'm so disappointed in my self yet again and I just wish I wasn't around. I'm not good to anyone like this especially to the kids. I try my best to keep my mood under control around them but my partner has a way of provoking me at times. I'm not sure how this will sound to you and I'm ashamed to even write it. I feel like a monster and that's what he brings in me sometimes. Maybe I do really hate him even though I wish I could always feel love for him and have more patience for him.

1 Comment
  1. thymeoperator 14 years ago

    i must say, i think if the whole day had passed and the following day he realised you hadn't got him anything, he'd have had a right to feel hurt.  but that's not what happened – making you feel guilty over it just because the day hadn't even finished yet and he hadn't got his presents yet is really childish behaviour on his part, and shows a complete lack of trust in you that you would remember.  i think you had every right to be upset with him for behaving that way. [br][br]

    hitting him though, your reactions to it all, i don't think you're a monster for it at all – i completely relate to it, when i get worked up like that i throw things, hit things, i've broken things before, i get really out of control, and it's scary.  the thing is, though, if i start getting that way, george tells me he's walking away and we can talk later.  we try to defuse the situation.  your partner sounds like he doesn't walk away from it, or try to calm you down, he sort of encourages it, eggs you on, pushes you further, which makes your reactions 50% his fault as well as yours.  he's showing a lack of understanding of your difficulties.  i think you need to make him aware of this.  maybe it would help to go to a psychiatrist about these things, but first go by yourself, and then bring your partner along with you, so that an outsider can tell him all these things, because maybe he'll take it seriously then finally.  i know you're so scared of seeing a psychiatrist, but i really think it could help so much.  it doesn't mean you're sick or broken – it shows you're brave and seeking help.[br][br]

    and in terms of the kids – just yesterday i kept losing it with percy, i felt like every time i told him no, he would do it more just to test my limits and george is so calm with him, but i just keep getting louder and louder and it makes it worse and finally everything got to me so much, i broke down in tears and percy went really quiet and looked like he didn't know what to do and finally leaned down and looked at me really seriously and said 'crying' and came over to hug me and i felt so awful because he looked really scared and confused by it, and then george came home and i just said i needed to be alone, but you know i was scared to admit to him the truth – that i just couldn't be a mother yesterday.  some days i can, some days i just can't, and i feel like a failure when i can't, but really i guess i need to admit it to george so i can get support with it.  it's all so hard, isn't it?  [br][br]

    but you can't help it, i can't help it – it's how we are, and i think even normal mothers without things like ocd have these kinds of feelings sometimes too, you can't be so hard on yourself about it.  it really isn't easy to be supermom or superwife.  everyone needs help sometimes.

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