Family is a luxury. I’ve learned that slowly and harshly in the last few years. I’m estranged from a number of my family for many years and what family I had left I held onto. However, there is so long you can be loyal to someone who can never be pleased. Who can write you off for an action that you didn’t commit. Someone who can condemn your life choices and make you feel like the biggest failure. It was exhausting to have to mentally prepare, hide parts of myself I was proud of but they weren’t. A person should be able to go to someone’s house and relax not constantly panic to censor myself.
Since it’s Christmas and my birthday, it’s one of the few days of the year where my phone will more than likely be ringing. Today has been almost quiet with only a few people contacting me. With my family situation changing in the last two years I’d expect it. I went from being estranged from 65% of my family on both my parents side to 90%. I used to have that big family with over 14 cousins, aunts uncles, a huge holiday to it getting smaller and smaller. Of course being an adult with a job I’m fine being home in my pajamas. At least I have the option to nap.
As unfortunate as the situation had to come to another estrangement in my life I know it’s for the better. I wouldn’t put my mental health at risk in hopes of pleasing people who couldn’t be. Sometimes you do have to put yourself first even when the repercussions might leave you alone. Your mental health is the most important thing because of your insides shut down than everything else will. Holidays are tough for some people and if you’re one of those people take care of yourself and remember to breathe.