I made a fatal mistake sat night. It's a rather long story. I'll keep it as short as possible. 

It was my brothers wedding. Beautiful hot sunny day, ceremony took place in a grand hall (Wollaton Hall) and the speeches and photographs were in the fabulous gardens. It was truly magical. Apart from feeling a little 'lost' all day, I had a nice time. Until I started drinking. Now, it's generally accepted that at a family wedding or party, drinking an amount equal to your own body weight is inevitable. And all this was fine.. I laughed, I danced, and when the evening reception was over, I went back to a hotel with my brother, his new wife and some of their friends. The drinking continued. Around 3 or 4am, everybody went to bed. I, however, stupid as I am, continued to drink with the hotel staff. Inevitably, again, I became far far too drunk to get home, and the manager offered me a room for the price of what would be a taxi home, and lets face it a place to sleep when in dire need is always welcome.

Except that's not quite how it went.

I ended up slumped on the bathroom floor of my hotel room, being hideously ill for what felt like forever, although in reality was about 2 hours. I tried to sleep, but the room was so incredibly hot it was simply impossible. So, in my infinite drunken wisdom, amid tears of drunken emotions, ripped stomach lining and what was beginning to become an awful hangover, I called my ex.

Why?????

I hate myself for that. I don't know why I called. And what's worse, I have no clue as to why he answered at what must have been nearing 5.30am on a sunday morning. Turned out he was drunk too, and couldn't help with the state I was in because of the similar drunken state he was in.

But still. I am so so angry at myself for calling him. I am so disappointed that I let him see (hear) how weak I was.

The next day, he sent me an email saying he was sorry he couldn't help, and that he 'promised' he would call later that day.

He never called. Yet another broken promise. As small as it may be, it still hurt.

I have heard nothing since. I am trying my very best not to be the weak one, not to contact him again.

But I am afraid now, the damage has been done. He knows I am still weak. He knows he still has the upper hand.

I hate myself for that moment of weakness.